


The Moon Man In A Church

by okiswonderful



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-03-03 13:41:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 36,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13342425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okiswonderful/pseuds/okiswonderful
Summary: Two socially outcast men from different backgrounds find each other and can't seem to shake the thought of the other off.This is an AU set in Victorian London (No magic! This time!) which I'm not used to but I really hope anywhere out there enjoys it. It came from an idea I had after going past a church that has been renovated into house near to where I live.





	1. 1

Remus Lupin lived in a church. He wasn’t religious in the slightest but it is where he lived. He’d been homeless ever since leaving the workhouse as a young adult. It turned out that feeble bones never quite adapting to manual labour wasn’t the place for a young boy. Not any young boy but especially not one that had been bitten months prior to him leaving. He couldn’t keep the condition under wraps and surprisingly, despite the harassment and brutality by his peers he didn’t want to maul them all to death. At least not without being aware of it. He joked that gem of a joke to himself a lot. It was remarkable how long it had taken him to leave in the first place. But the fact remained that he felt he was too useless to do anything else and would die in days. Yet, he had died within those walls anyway and the bite of a werewolf was another nail in the coffin.   
Remus had been on the streets before. He had been with his mother at that time. But when travelling with a woman, a child might as well have been alone. Why? Because weren’t seen and certainly not respected. Remus recalled a number of times when he had seen children taken in a blink of an eye because single mothers with children were preyed on purposely. All it took was a mother being overpowered or accused of any petty crime and the whole population of London would descend on the poor soul like starved children at supper time. 

Remus’s mother often worked at night so Remus would sit in churches whenever he could. He was kicked out whenever he stayed too long especially if any patrons of god would notice his dishevelled appearance. If there was any dirt brushed across his face or, perhaps, his fingernails. He would be shooed out and, quite often, physically kicked. Remus could see the irony now. Men of God. Kicking children. They were not men of god but he still found churches comforting. They were the only significantly open spaces he ever had access to. Streets were so small that Remus as a child often wondered were ever going to get bigger. Sometimes he had dreams of pulling them apart so everything could be seen. Every crime. Every disservice. Nobody would ever watch them then. They would have been able to breathe clearly. Maybe treated equally. Maybe if streets were like that then he would have been able to find his mother, and what had happened to her.

Needless to say, Remus couldn't pick up any jobs. He also couldn't be a pickpocket. He didn't have it in him. It wasn't the morals he grappled with anymore but his fingers which were anything but nimble would give him away in a second. He didn't know how so many people could do it. There were teachers of sorts but not teachers he wanted to go anywhere near. So dark corners and doorsteps, it was. It was strange for Remus, never having experienced proper reason to have dignity, feeling deeply ashamed by his actions. He would apologise for the way he smelt if he crossed paths with anyone. Well, they usually laughed first but he was growing accustomed to saying it in advance. One night, just to convince himself he could still move because the cold does that to you. And above that, he felt crippled in life, mind and heart so why wouldn't have his legs followed suit? 

So he walked, and walked and came across a woman. Her hair was almost blue in the oily street lamp flow that was cast along the corner. She held a sign that read. Oh, words. Remus grew nervous and afraid of them. He hadn't really noticed words in a long time. Survival makes you forget, but he did, in fact, know how. Unusual for somebody like himself but he self-taught ever since the day his mother had shown him an advertisement on the side of a brick wall which held two of maybe a dozen words that his beautiful, sweet mother knew. He pulled himself out of his thoughts and focused in on the letters. They spelled "Money please..." What was the next word. He moved his eyes moved back to the beginning of the word in an attempt to break the code but the woman had already sprang up to proclaim what it meant. "Fustilugs!" She bellowed. Proudly, Remus noted. He was in a slight bit of shock. "...Fustilugs?" He repeated. The word had been thrown at him once at the workhouse but he never gave it no mind. Already hearing much more unpleasant words he knew the meaning to many times a day made him pretty complacent not finding out what another meant. The young woman didn't seem entirely pleased by his quiet response. 

"It means 'yer fat!"  
Remus's face fell. Or it felt like it. Guilt flashed across the woman's face briefly.  
"Not jurst you! Anywan' who reads it, ya see?"  
Remus didn't see, but he wanted to. "Beg my pardon, but how is that going to provoke any person to open their pockets?"  
"I am here to offend, sir!"  
Remus couldn't understand. Not many people could write so signs were uncommon. It would really work in the favour of the beggar and he wasn't the one to suggest insanity upon anyone especially as he considered himself to be the same way but it was shockingly easy to label this woman.  
"People need to be taught a lesson." She clarified. "Strutting about, not giving a dime in their tall hats that reach the sky." She spat on the ground but looked embarrassed as she did it as if she hadn't before.  
"Anyway give us yer coppers?"  
Remus had only one. And she took it before he could even comply. She ran away in a way he had never seen a woman run and she seemed to expose money from her own skirt and when she reached the next pauper on the side of the road she dropped it gently into his upturned hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Remus was impressed, but dismayed. It seemed like he was mistaken for a man of means. Heavens knows how. He had not eaten anything in a week. He pushed on, weak, through the night. It almost felt like he wasn't in London anymore and he hoped that he wasn't. He longed for more space. Space he had never known. This area was more desolate, but active behind the scenes. He was in corners that felt like a bobby has never even searched. It was then that he found the church. Tiny. Not foreboding. It was interesting because its spire didn't reach very far. Certainly nowhere near above the buildings beside it so it seemed like the kind of place nobody would know about unless having the knowledge prior. Of course, that was a lot of words for Remus to think and he only had his eyes on warmth so he headed, blind, through the back and the iron gates cut him as pushed through the chain blocking him. He reached the door before he felt eyes on him and he felt the light of them even though he couldn't see them. He tried not to flinch but the air of the person felt like the manager of the workhouse who had beaten Remus. Looking back now, in a child's perspective, it had seemed like the manager but Remus now realised that this man wasn't as powerful as that. He had superiors, and the man Remus knew was a superior only to children. That must have stung a bit. Just how Remus's face had stung because of it after the many times he was struck across the face and burnt on his arms. 

Remus didn't even wanted to look. Apologies piped out of his mouth as he began to trip and start to escape. A hand, like a vice, grabbed his hand. Years came to Remus's eyes. This didn't feel good but it lasted one breath before he felt a key in his palm. Remus kept his eyes clenched shut. A gruff voice introduced itself to Remus's ears. "Ave it! I've no use for it now! Dun't even need to be a church."  
Remus couldn't believe the situation but he couldn't stop the rational words leaving his lips. "But it isn't mine! Legally..."  
The voice grunted. "Everyfin is illegal. My name is Ernest. Use it, if you will come under any trouble."  
Remus couldn't bring himself to open his eyes still. He felt a pat on his shoulder and it was like God was leaving the planet for the very last time. Though, it was only a representative. Remus didn't know why he thought that. If anything, it was proving God was there but it was a good thing happening on the account of religion being removed from a building. Conflicting, indeed.

Remus must have stood there for what felt like hours but then he used the key to prick his fingers and that woke him up. He laughed. He stopped, suddenly. Laughing as an adult sounded different from when he was a child and laughing made him miss his mother and her Welsh jokes that a child couldn't understand. The door opened with a creak. The church was old, but he couldn't tell how old. The main hall was moderately grand in a working class way. Chalkboards with bible verses still lined the walls and so did a huge organ. He used to hide behind those when he was a kid. Flashbacks whirled around his brain as he touched it.  
Small Remus was on the ground, behind an Organ five times the size of him. He liked to watch the pipes as music would travel silently through them because he was sure he would catch the movement one of these days. Mother said so. She said he would invent things although Remus wanted basic things first that existed before he could need things that didn't exist. That was even more impossible. The door slammed open and he heard a cry like his mother's. "This where he is?" A male voice shouted and it echoed across the building.  
"Stop! I beg you! He has nothing to do with my service! I promise you! I promise you, please!"  
Remus was five years old at that time and that was the first time an adult had thrown him so hard at a wall that he thought his insides had spilled out and his ribcage and spine were broken. He recalls his mother chasing the man with the tall, long hat out and she returned screaming and crying in Welsh, cracked sentences. He knew she did that so not to scare him with words too terrifying for a child. All he could think about as he was on the floor being drafted by his mother is how all of them had tall, long hats. It was like the hats were trying to reach god. Would Remus ever have one of those hats? He thinks he even asked his mother that five minutes later and his mother had cried ever harder.

It wasn't the same church. It wasn't the same, and couldn't harm him. He still found them peaceful but maybe he was not ready for that room yet. He noticed a side room which must have belonged to Ernest. Remus noticed the many depictions of Christ on the walls and on the small modest desk. "In God, be earnest." Remus actually spoke aloud as he said that. Surprised, he chuckled. Earnest. Ernest. The second time laughing in memory since being a child.

It felt improper to sit down on the chair so he sat on his knees, opening the doors like a street pickpocket without any audience. Having no skills made no difference in this room. His hand found a hard jar. Inside was an assortment of chocolate...hard chocolate? Remus had never seen this. He looked through shop windows like it was his livelihood as a child and seen all kinds of drinking chocolate but he had never come across these, or just hadn't noticed. They were too beautiful to believe they could be real ever. Wispy designs crafted on the top of each one made him sigh slightly with the elegance. At one time, the jar was bound to have been full with them. Now there were only four and he was ravenous. Each one melted in his mouth like forbidden fruit. Yes, they were slightly stale. Stale? Was that even the right word? He didn't know, but his palette didn't care and barely recognised the fact. They were delightful. This was delightful. And all he could mutter was "Llond vuh moll". 

His mother used to say that. She would hold his hand or pick him up and she would tell him "One day..." She would point at herself and at him while tickling him under the arms that they would be "Llond vuh moll!". Granted, Remus used to think it meant rich. Being poor and young in this society makes richness and happiness a pretty logical mix to a child. His mother had simply meant "Full" and he could hazard a guess that his mother didn't even have to settle for that. She just would have been beyond happy for Remus not to be hungry. Remus, when entering the workhouse, remembers trying to console younger children themselves that they would be "Llond vuh moll" soon and as it might have comforted some, it had enraged others and it still felt like he had a black eye that would never go away.

Remus was exhausted. It had been a confusing day but more entertaining than he could have hoped for Incan absurdly long time. He found a bed in another door to the side of Ernest's sit down room and as he started to be taken by sleep he repeated his new name to himself, over and over. Ernest, Ernest, Ernest...


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius Black was noble but he never felt that way. He was fairly great at it. Or so his cousins told him often in venomous tones. He would saunter through parties and through any social activity with prose and nobody would bat an eyelid. He wasn't noble, nor would he ever be. His main vice was disguise. See, being noble meant that he couldn't take a job and Sirius Black was an easily bored, young man who couldn't bear to be inside dusty mansions unless interesting people were coming to visit. Sirius, being out and around London as much as he had, had given himself ample research of what kind of job he wanted to do. Butcher...No, although gutting a pig and pretending it was his father was certainly appealing. Chimney Sweep? That would be a great way of listening in on family conversations but he did enough of that at home although he was moving out soon. Many jobs appealed but he decided on being a "Knocker Upper". He liked the idea for three reasons. 1. It sounded crude. 2. Nobody of means would ever be half alive at that time of day so nobody would notice him and 3. It required him to knock on the windows of people to wake them up and Sirius Black couldn't think of anything more hilarious than that.  
He flew through the interview with charm and a fine amount of fake facial hair and a hat. His cousins would never have guessed that the stories that they had read to him as a child would backfire like this and he was half-glad they were young enough not to have been to bitter and cold-hearted at that age to do that for him. It was one redeeming factor to his childhood actually. Apart from all the sneaking out and playing with proper children outside. Children who got dirty. Children who didn't need toys. Until his father found out and hit him with a belt but it was worth it. Just as worth it as it was for Sirius to have a purpose now. The stick he was given was long and strong and it felt like a sword. The first morning was winter, and dark and he almost lost an eye twirling it around so much it hit him directly in the face. He wasn't careful after that either but it got better with practice.  
Two weeks into the job Sirius prepared to get up for the day to start. This time of day suited him for he didn't get much sleep in the first place. He reached to the side of his desk and picked up his reading glasses. He didn't need reading glasses but his parents bought ridiculous items so, he joked in his mind, it runs in the family. He smugly put on the glasses and walked into his wardrobe and left it wearing the manual clothes that disguised him and he preferred. The stick waited on the stairs for him and he slid down the banisters with it in hand and landed almost exactly into his shoes. "Next time" he laughed. All Sirius did was laugh. He didn't laugh as much as a kid so adulthood was a time to make up for the torture he endured as an aristocrat's son.   
Once he entered the streets of London the night air filled his lungs and he breathed it out like a cigarette. He loved the city. He loved how everything was connected and nothing was private. Especially not from him with his handy stick. Rap, rap, rap at the windows. A wave and a smile from Sirius and a few swear words in reply were all in a day's work. Sometimes workers would already be awake and he could hear them arguing with their wives and he would give the window the most deafening hit he could without waking up the entire neighbourhood just out of spite, and justice.  
Sirius didn't care all that much about being paid. He supposed he should scorn himself more when he doesn't follow up on payment but it was still a new experience. His cousin Nymphadora scalded him most. And he could see her in the distance, flirting with men starting their day and with women closing their doors after seeing their husbands out too. Nymphadora spotted Sirius and skipped ahead. She was the only one who he trusted with his new-found trade.  
"Master Black, what a mighty big stick you have" She jested. "Shame you can't find a wife!" She winked because she knew that's what Sirius's parents said to him every midday exactly if there were any moves forward towards marriages they attempted to arrange.  
"A rare stick needs to be shared, Nymphy! Oh, it wouldn't be fair if it was kept to just one-"  
She laughed and she searched his pockets. Sirius recoiled slightly to make it more difficult to find but it was a game that they played. Nymphadora could take the money he earned and give it to people in need. He was in favour of that but he did like to see her struggle. Nymphadora finally found the coins and pretended to slap his face. "Rantallion!" She whispered in a menacing fashion.  
"Do I want to know what that one means?"  
"Shuldn't think so, no."  
"Right you are. Now off with you, street urchin."  
"You're the one with the stick. Criminal, if I ever saw one."  
Sirius shook his head. "Distasteful as always, Black."  
Nymphadora raised her voice slightly. "It's Jack The Ripper! I've found him!" That is when laughter claimed her completely and Sirius walked away faster, tapping on windows aggressively. Nymphadora knew perfectly well he and about two other Blacks had been mentioned as possible suspects once or twice.  
A woman opened her window immediately. "He's not even here! You're late and you do it so loud!"  
Sirius shot his best charming facade up to the woman. "I apologise, Mrs Gently! Who wakes up the Knocker-Upper if the Knocker-Upper is asleep?"  
Mrs Gently grumbled something about absurd riddles and youth.  
"I will give the window a softer caress next time!"  
Mrs Gently blushed and smiled flirtatiously before she realised she was doing and closed the window shut in disgust with herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise if any of this information is inaccurate! I was having some fun with it and this was the outcome!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything starts to come together in this chapter! It's been one of my favourites to write so far!

It was nearing the end of Sirius’s route and sometimes he went a little further to pester a few more people but his run-in with Mrs Gently and considering the amount of people in the streets most of them were already awake. Just as Sirius looking out across the bustling city and enjoying the chaos for what it was is when he spotted his father out in the open. This wasn’t ordinary except for meetings that were important. Sirius scattered into the side street with gritted teeth. Sirius always resented his father for being one of the only people he would openly run from if given the chance. It wasn’t good for Sirius’s pride. Sirius pressed himself against a wall and looked at what little of the sky there was above him. He looked at the clouds. Was it clouds, or was it smog? Hard to say but he chose clouds. One looked like a wolf and it made him think about how he used to pretend to be a dog with Nymphadora when they were too small to even stand and his father had head and got out his belt once again. It wasn’t even a nicely decorated belt. That’s what got Sirius through rarer beatings these days. How ugly and ludicrous the belt and the man using it really were.  
Sirius moved into the backstreets further and noticed a church staring back at him. He had never stepped into one. It was one upper class thing his family did not do however they were rich to the point that no one piece of gossip was spread about that. So Sirius was curious. It was all some people lived for. People like Mrs Ghastly would be awake far before he would get there, already in Sunday Best with shiny eyes and strained, hopeful smiles to get into Heaven. Was it all it cracked out to be? Sirius had to know. But it looked pretty abandoned. All the better, he reasoned. He jumped over the gate and didn’t bother with the chains. He strode up to the front and used his stick to knock on the stained glass. “I’m knocking on heaven’s door.” He said aloud to himself and he thought how much that ought to be a title of something.

Remus heard a knock. That was just his luck. He had not even woken up yet in this dear place of solitude and warmth and he was already going to be cast out. He stood, warily and used attempted to sort his appearance. He thought about running or hiding. Nobody would come in if they thought it was closed, would they? But he remembered he had almost done the same thing the night prior. The knock occurred again and Remus walked along the aisle of the main hall, listening. He could hear a voice now that sounded jovial.   
“God, it’s thou trusty servant!” was the first sentence.  
Great. Remus thought. A drunk.  
Remus could have fun with it if it was going to be his last few minutes in warmth. He made his voice deeper and stood closer to the door. “You are no servant. Be gone. This holy place is…out…of order.” He cursed himself internally. There was no heaven after this.  
Sirius wasn’t expecting his response. He wasn’t expecting anyone to hear him in general. What if this person knew him? Could he risk it? But he found the situation too intriguing.  
“A church is always in order to those who seek it!”  
Remus listened. A religious drunk.  
“Not today!” He replied feebly.  
Sirius felt slightly bad for bothering this obviously reclusive priest so he changed tact. “Your day, is it well?”  
Remus wasn’t expecting the question and he sat by the door. “Is it well? I’m God! Of course it’s well. I invented well!”  
Sirius guffawed. “God would open his doors…at least, I think so you are not him.”  
Remus noted the doubt in the man’s voice. “Why would you request access to a church if you don’t believe?”  
Sirius found himself responding defensively. “Why would a man who says he believes pretend he is God? Isn’t that breaking some kind of mortal sin?”  
Remus audibly dropped his head back on the door. “Point made. Please go.” He got up. Sirius knew what he had exploited a situation too far. “I’m a Knocker Upper! I was just making sure you were awake!”  
“You were successful” Remus called back. He went to the corner and sat behind the organ, afraid for anything that might come through the door for the rest of the day.  
Sirius walked away. He had to make sure his father was gone and sure enough, he was. He tried not to think of the church too deeply. But he was going to find out who it belonged to.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus Lupin now had time to explore the church more fully. He found books and staircase that lead to him to church bells and storage out of use. Bells were on the floor but he found it to be satisfying how loud they must have been before and how he and his mother may well have heard them in years gone by. Apart from the chocolate he hadn’t had much luck finding any more food but he had found money. Not much to the average Victorian but enough to get by. For a week, maybe. It felt wrong of him to take it from the money collection but it felt wrong and backwards to him that money was given to God and a church that didn’t need it, and not to people metres away who desperately do. It was a massive hypocrisy to Remus that made him feel less bad but not enough to eradicate the guilt completely.   
At first, he was afraid to go outside. Almost as if leaving meant that somebody else would take it over and it would have just been a cruel dream. Having a half full pocket was strange. What did one with a half pocket even buy? What did he need most? Should he be sensible? Find a job with new clothes? How much were clothes? The last time he ever found clothes was because there were on the street. Remus was pretty sure someone had died in them and had proceeded to cry about it at least three times in the few days he started wearing them and now they were nothing but his. The shock of where they might have come from had worn off and Remus had matured and accepted it.  
Entering a shop he felt out of place and felt like he was immediately suspicious. He found it hard to part with any money but his stomach was empty and he felt like he was going to pass out like one of the figures on the stain glass windows in the church but instead of fainting on the sight of Jesus he was fainting at the prospect of spending money and the food surrounding him eating away at his stomach. He left with a lot of bread and he returned to the church. He saw the woman with the almost blue hair again and he wondered how it could look that way and how nobody ever commented on it.

Remus feasted on bread. He had never had so much in one go. It was as luxurious as it got for him and he found himself almost sprawling on one of the pews in ecstasy. But then it felt odd. Life had only ever been being hungry and the goal was to find food. But when you have eaten, what is there? Remus suddenly felt scared. Love? Purpose? Recreational activities? But then he laughed a hollow laugh. He would never need to worry about this. The money would be gone soon.  
Sirius Black could not get that church out of his mind. Maybe it was a ghost. There had been graves. Sirius wasn’t big on the paranormal but his mother had screeched about spirits in the dead of night enough times for him to think it was plausible. The idea of the voice being a priest became less and less viable. It took time for him to find records without anyone knowing. There wasn’t much. Not many people had attended the church since the late 1700s and renovation had been slim except for the Organ that was supposedly donated by an ex-organist who passed away and had no family. The main man in charge was called Ernest Note but a quick scan of the newspapers (which pained Sirius. He hated news) made Sirius discover that Ernest was currently missing and presumed dead. He hadn’t held a service at the church for almost a decade but he seemed to have resided there.

A decade, Sirius thought, was a period of time that would make a building slip under the radar. He couldn’t figure out why Mr Note wasn’t forced to leave but some matters aren’t recorded. Sirius had done enough reading and needed a vice. He wasn’t to work for another few hours and as always, he was bored out of his mind. That is when his door was opened by his servant that his family insisted he have and Sirius heard the soft droll of his mother and another voice bright, and sprightly voice in the foyer. Not again. Sirius couldn’t take this again.   
“SIRIUS ORION!” His mother projected the words up the stairs. Sirius was inclined to come if he knew what was good for him. He took to the staircase. “Mother dearest! You surprised me! I love you so!”  
Walburga gave Sirius a warning glance and her face turned into friendly butter when addressing her company. “This is Marlene Mckinnon.” When sounding out the last name, Sirius could hear disapproval in his mother’s voice which made him smile. They were getting desperate and had run out of high-end lineage.   
“It’s a pleasure, Miss Mickinnon.” Sirius breathed with as much convincing interest as he could.  
“And mine, Mr Black.” Marlene answered blandly. It sounded as if she did not want to be here either. Walburga didn’t let the silence last long before looking Marlene up and down and then looking at Sirius as if inferring something. “I hope you both can spend some quality time together and hopefully some courting if all goes well.”  
Sirius had never heard Walburga be quite so blunt especially in front of the female party. Miss Mckinnon looked aghast and embarrassed. Sirius felt the need to say something. “I don’t think-“  
Warburga’s face turned sour and angry. “I really do insist this time, Sirius that you do.”  
Sirius wanted to intermit something like ‘Or what?’ but he knew what the answers would be. Loss of fortune, title, a foiled life in general and as much as a different life appealed, he wanted to be the one to break away as the ultimate defiance. Sirius had to think fast. Almost too fast.  
“I cannot permit that because I am already in a courtship of my own devices.”  
Warburga looked alarmed. “Your…own…devices?”   
“Yes. Now can you please take this nice Miss Mckinnon out of here to spare her any more embarrassment because of my inability to announce that yet?”  
Warburga had lost rage in her features but some still remained. “We must always be the ones to check that a marriage is appropriate and I am completely stunned that you have gone against me like this. I have ruined my reputation enough procuring these girls for you. I must meet at once.”  
Sirius nodded.  
Warburga grabbed Marlene to leave. “And I do mean at once, Sirius.”  
“I am aware, Warburga.”  
They left and Sirius gave his servant Madeline a quick wink. Thank god she always kept his secrets.

It had been a week since Remus had bought bread and he wagered that he could last longer but he decided to go out just to be outside which is something he never thought he would crave but on his way out he noticed a black haired, skinny man heading Remus’s way with a stride of confidence yet almost too much for one person. Remus stayed in the shadows and he watched as the man who was too boyish for that title hop over the church gate like it was nothing but a puddle and he proceeded to knock on the door. This gave Remus an opportunity to really look at this man and the way he held himself. He was well off, that he could tell. But he was different somehow, or liked to think so at least. His hair looked strangely soft and too long from any perspective above lower class and-  
Remus snapped out of it. He would simply leave and when he came back, the man would be gone. There would be no problem. Maybe he should stay away for more than one day just to be sure. So he did.

Upon finding nobody at the church or in the minuscule churchyard Sirius had sat with one of the two graves. He had spoken to them, asked why there was only two, and why they had the right to a whole church by themselves and then he stood for the real reason he was there. To buy the abandoned property. He had informed the appropriate people that dealt with this specific kind of property selling. Sirius had simply named a price after it was confirmed that Ernest was not at the address and it was finalised. Sirius barely had to shake a hand and wave the estate agent off before he spotted a pale man with a brown array of hair spending a few seconds wrestling with the gate before realising the chains were gone. Sirius saw the look of bewilderment on the man’s face and found that was his time to introduce himself. Hopefully it wasn’t Ernest. Hopefully it was the voice from inside the church before.  
“Ahoy there!”  
Remus was looking at his new loaf of bread and the small pot of butter he had let himself splurge on when he heard the foreign phrase and instantly thought he was being made fun of.   
“Sorry I made the wrong turning!” Remus looked down and lied and turned away back towards the gate. Sirius ran ahead and blocked the way. “I don’t think you did.” Remus recognised the voice and looked back at the gate, chainless. Sirius could tell that Remus was feeling betrayed and he had every right to be. “I apologise for doing that.” He took off his top hat. Remus saw the hat out of the corner of his eye and felt annoyed. He said nothing. Sirius continued. “I’m Mr Black. Sirius, please, though. I assume your name is ‘Please Go’ or ‘God’, was it?”  
Remus wanted to be friendly. He did but he felt like everything was slipping away from him. Why was this man so fascinated with the church? “Are you related to Ernest?”  
“Not remotely.”  
“Then , why are you here?”  
“I told you. I’m god’s servant.”  
“You’re not.”  
“I am.”  
“I bet you have your own servant.”  
“Nope. Recruiting. If you’re interested.”  
It was a dark and brave joke and Remus didn’t know whether to kill him, cry, or laugh. Again, he said nothing.  
Sirius’s mood changed and he looked at the man again. He was frail, but almost pretty, in a sense and strong in the way he held himself. “I really do apologise for the gate. I am just curious who you were. I don’t have a lot of things to fill my time.”  
Remus tried to feel lighter by what the man…Sirius…admitted but he couldn’t. “If you’re looking for friendship then I really don’t know why you’re here.”  
Sirius followed Remus as Remus walked towards the church apparently less phased that Sirius was going to stop him. “Isn’t God the best friend anyone can have?”  
“Please stop.”  
“I thought your name was ‘Please go’?”  
Remus felt like he was finally losing it. “Remus! My name. Is. Remus. You’re not getting the last name.”  
Sirius smiled, accomplished. “Are you going to invite me in to your church, Remus?”  
“We don’t allow men with silly hats here.”  
Sirius cackled. “This thing? For appearances only.”  
Remus shook his head. “What do you even think is in here that you haven’t seen before?”  
“Some kind of secret cult. I won’t judge. I won’t tell a soul.” Sirius placed a finger on his own lips.  
“This cult isn’t secret. We’ll ruin your life.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow and entered himself. Apparently he was baptised once but he remembers nothing about it. The architecture is something he’s seen in pictures so it all starts to come alive in front of him. “Beautiful.”  
Remus didn’t expect Sirius to be so taken with it. “I suppose it was. Somebody worked very hard on building this and many people appreciated it.”  
Sirius swung back with a question and Remus dropped his brown bag of shopping on the floor. “Not you?”  
“No I do. Very much so but – I guess, I mean, I’ve seen better and this one is pretty unloved. Haven’t you seen…palaces?”  
“Psht.” Sirius replied admiring the walls and touching them with his fingers. “Not the same.”  
Remus picks up the bread and butter, captivated by Sirius’s answer. “Why, I ask, is that?”  
“People don’t worship palaces.”  
Remus laughed and coughed. It still felt strange to laugh. It almost sounded like a croak to Sirius. Remus spoke hurriedly “People don’t worship churches either. They worship why it’s there. And in some ways people worship people in the palaces too.”

Sirius stood at the front at the pew and pretended to deliver his own service wordlessly and Remus sat down to watch. “It suits you up there.” He did. His arrogance would be able to deliver the sermons in an animated way. He would be unrivalled.   
“I’d speak about being a Knocker Upper!”  
“You weren’t fooling me about that?”  
“I would never lie to you, Remus with no second name.”  
“You don’t even know me.”  
Sirius laughed and continued to marvel at the place for another few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are all enjoying this so far! There are so many things I want to do this with this story and Remus and Sirius are driving me to write until my fingers hurt! Like always!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are all enjoying this so far! There are so many things I want to do this with this story and Remus and Sirius are driving me to write until my fingers hurt! Like always!

Remus Lupin now had time to explore the church more fully. He found books and staircase that lead to him to church bells and storage out of use. Bells were on the floor but he found it to be satisfying how loud they must have been before and how he and his mother may well have heard them in years gone by. Apart from the chocolate he hadn’t had much luck finding any more food but he had found money. Not much to the average Victorian but enough to get by. For a week, maybe. It felt wrong of him to take it from the money collection but it felt wrong and backwards to him that money was given to God and a church that didn’t need it, and not to people metres away who desperately do. It was a massive hypocrisy to Remus that made him feel less bad but not enough to eradicate the guilt completely.   
At first, he was afraid to go outside. Almost as if leaving meant that somebody else would take it over and it would have just been a cruel dream. Having a half full pocket was strange. What did one with a half pocket even buy? What did he need most? Should he be sensible? Find a job with new clothes? How much were clothes? The last time he ever found clothes was because there were on the street. Remus was pretty sure someone had died in them and had proceeded to cry about it at least three times in the few days he started wearing them and now they were nothing but his. The shock of where they might have come from had worn off and Remus had matured and accepted it.  
Entering a shop he felt out of place and felt like he was immediately suspicious. He found it hard to part with any money but his stomach was empty and he felt like he was going to pass out like one of the figures on the stain glass windows in the church but instead of fainting on the sight of Jesus he was fainting at the prospect of spending money and the food surrounding him eating away at his stomach. He left with a lot of bread and he returned to the church. He saw the woman with the almost blue hair again and he wondered how it could look that way and how nobody ever commented on it.  
Remus feasted on bread. He had never had so much in one go. It was as luxurious as it got for him and he found himself almost sprawling on one of the pews in ecstasy. But then it felt odd. Life had only ever been being hungry and the goal was to find food. But when you have eaten, what is there? Remus suddenly felt scared. Love? Purpose? Recreational activities? But then he laughed a hollow laugh. He would never need to worry about this. The money would be gone soon.  
Sirius Black could not get that church out of his mind. Maybe it was a ghost. There had been graves. Sirius wasn’t big on the paranormal but his mother had screeched about spirits in the dead of night enough times for him to think it was plausible. The idea of the voice being a priest became less and less viable. It took time for him to find records without anyone knowing. There wasn’t much. Not many people had attended the church since the late 1700s and renovation had been slim except for the Organ that was supposedly donated by an ex-organist who passed away and had no family. The main man in charge was called Ernest Note but a quick scan of the newspapers (which pained Sirius. He hated news) made Sirius discover that Ernest was currently missing and presumed dead. He hadn’t held a service at the church for almost a decade but he seemed to have resided there.  
A decade, Sirius thought, was a period of time that would make a building slip under the radar. He couldn’t figure out why Mr Note wasn’t forced to leave but some matters aren’t recorded. Sirius had done enough reading and needed a vice. He wasn’t to work for another few hours and as always, he was bored out of his mind. That is when his door was opened by his servant that his family insisted he have and Sirius heard the soft droll of his mother and another voice bright, and sprightly voice in the foyer. Not again. Sirius couldn’t take this again.   
“SIRIUS ORION!” His mother projected the words up the stairs. Sirius was inclined to come if he knew what was good for him. He took to the staircase. “Mother dearest! You surprised me! I love you so!”  
Walburga gave Sirius a warning glance and her face turned into friendly butter when addressing her company. “This is Marlene Mckinnon.” When sounding out the last name, Sirius could hear disapproval in his mother’s voice which made him smile. They were getting desperate and had run out of high-end lineage.   
“It’s a pleasure, Miss Mickinnon.” Sirius breathed with as much convincing interest as he could.  
“And mine, Mr Black.” Marlene answered blandly. It sounded as if she did not want to be here either. Walburga didn’t let the silence last long before looking Marlene up and down and then looking at Sirius as if inferring something. “I hope you both can spend some quality time together and hopefully some courting if all goes well.”  
Sirius had never heard Walburga be quite so blunt especially in front of the female party. Miss Mckinnon looked aghast and embarrassed. Sirius felt the need to say something. “I don’t think-“  
Warburga’s face turned sour and angry. “I really do insist this time, Sirius that you do.”  
Sirius wanted to intermit something like ‘Or what?’ but he knew what the answers would be. Loss of fortune, title, a foiled life in general and as much as a different life appealed, he wanted to be the one to break away as the ultimate defiance. Sirius had to think fast. Almost too fast.  
“I cannot permit that because I am already in a courtship of my own devices.”  
Warburga looked alarmed. “Your…own…devices?”   
“Yes. Now can you please take this nice Miss Mckinnon out of here to spare her any more embarrassment because of my inability to announce that yet?”  
Warburga had lost rage in her features but some still remained. “We must always be the ones to check that a marriage is appropriate and I am completely stunned that you have gone against me like this. I have ruined my reputation enough procuring these girls for you. I must meet at once.”  
Sirius nodded.  
Warburga grabbed Marlene to leave. “And I do mean at once, Sirius.”  
“I am aware, Warburga.”  
They left and Sirius gave his servant Madeline a quick wink. Thank god she always kept his secrets.  
It had been a week since Remus have bought bread and he wagered that he could last longer but he decided to go out just to be outside which is something he never thought he would crave but on his way out he noticed a black haired, skinny man heading Remus’s way with a stride of confidence yet almost too much for one person. Remus stayed in the shadows and he watched as the man who was too boyish for that title hop over the church gate like it was nothing but a puddle and he proceeded to knock on the door. This gave Remus an opportunity to really look at this man and the way he held himself. He was well off, that he could tell. But he was different somehow, or liked to think so at least. His hair looked strangely soft and too long from any perspective above lower class and-  
Remus snapped out of it. He would simply leave and when he came back, the man would be gone. There would be no problem. Maybe he should stay away for more than one day just to be sure. So he did.

Upon finding nobody at the church or in the minuscule churchyard Sirius had sat with one of the two graves. He had spoken to them, asked why there was only two, and why they had the right to a whole church by themselves and then he stood for the real reason he was there. To buy the abandoned property. He had informed the appropriate people that dealt with this specific kind of property selling. Sirius had simply named a price after it was confirmed that Ernest was not at the address and it was finalised. Sirius barely had to shake a hand and wave the estate agent off before he spotted a pale man with a brown array of hair spending a few seconds wrestling with the gate before realising the chains were gone. Sirius saw the look of bewilderment on the man’s face and found that was his time to introduce himself. Hopefully it wasn’t Ernest. Hopefully it was the voice from inside the church before.  
“Ahoy there!”  
Remus was looking at his new loaf of bread and the small pot of butter he had let himself splurge on when he heard the foreign phrase and instantly thought he was being made fun of.   
“Sorry I made the wrong turning!” Remus looked down and lied and turned away back towards the gate. Sirius ran ahead and blocked the way. “I don’t think you did.” Remus recognised the voice and looked back at the gate, chainless. Sirius could tell that Remus was feeling betrayed and he had every right to be. “I apologise for doing that.” He took off his top hat. Remus saw the hat out of the corner of his eye and felt annoyed. He said nothing. Sirius continued. “I’m Mr Black. Sirius, please, though. I assume your name is ‘Please Go’ or ‘God’, was it?”  
Remus wanted to be friendly. He did but he felt like everything was slipping away from him. Why was this man so fascinated with the church? “Are you related to Ernest?”  
“Not remotely.”  
“Then , why are you here?”  
“I told you. I’m god’s servant.”  
“You’re not.”  
“I am.”  
“I bet you have your own servant.”  
“Nope. Recruiting. If you’re interested.”  
It was a dark and brave joke and Remus didn’t know whether to kill him, cry, or laugh. Again, he said nothing.  
Sirius’s mood changed and he looked at the man again. He was frail, but almost pretty, in a sense and strong in the way he held himself. “I really do apologise for the gate. I am just curious who you were. I don’t have a lot of things to fill my time.”  
Remus tried to feel lighter by what the man…Sirius…admitted but he couldn’t. “If you’re looking for friendship then I really don’t know why you’re here.”  
Sirius followed Remus as Remus walked towards the church apparently less phased that Sirius was going to stop him. “Isn’t God the best friend anyone can have?”  
“Please stop.”  
“I thought your name was ‘Please go’?”  
Remus felt like he was finally losing it. “Remus! My name. Is. Remus. You’re not getting the last name.”  
Sirius smiled, accomplished. “Are you going to invite me in to your church, Remus?”  
“We don’t allow men with silly hats here.”  
Sirius cackled. “This thing? For appearances only.”  
Remus shook his head. “What do you even think is in here that you haven’t seen before?”  
“Some kind of secret cult. I won’t judge. I won’t tell a soul.” Sirius placed a finger on his own lips.  
“This cult isn’t secret. We’ll ruin your life.”  
\--  
Sirius raised an eyebrow and entered himself. Apparently he was baptised once but he remembers nothing about it. The architecture is something he’s seen in pictures so it all starts to come alive in front of him. “Beautiful.”  
Remus didn’t expect Sirius to be so taken with it. “I suppose it was. Somebody worked very hard on building this and many people appreciated it.”  
Sirius swung back with a question and Remus dropped his brown bag of shopping on the floor. “Not you?”  
“No I do. Very much so but – I guess, I mean, I’ve seen better and this one is pretty unloved. Haven’t you seen…palaces?”  
“Psht.” Sirius replied admiring the walls and touching them with his fingers. “Not the same.”  
Remus picks up the bread and butter, captivated by Sirius’s answer. “Why, I ask, is that?”  
“People don’t worship palaces.”  
Remus laughed and coughed. It still felt strange to laugh. It almost sounded like a croak to Sirius. Remus spoke hurriedly “People don’t worship churches either. They worship why it’s there. And in some ways people worship people in the palaces too.”

Sirius stood at the front at the pew and pretended to deliver his own service wordlessly and Remus sat down to watch. “It suits you up there.” He did. His arrogance would be able to deliver the sermons in an animated way. He would be unrivalled.   
“I’d speak about being a Knocker Upper!”  
“You weren’t fooling me about that?”  
“I would never lie to you, Remus with no second name.”  
“You don’t even know me.”  
Sirius laughed and continued to marvel at the place for another few hours.


	7. Chapter 7

Finally Sirius sat on the opposite side of the desk in the back room. He watched as Remus cut the tiniest sliver of bread with his own hand and the tiny portion of butter he applied. Remus motioned for Sirius to take a piece but Sirius felt wrong doing so. He could tell that it meant a great deal. Remus watched Sirius refuse and Remus’s mother never would have let that happen so Remus motioned again. So Sirius complied. He ended up taking quite a bit more than Remus but Sirius wanted it to be a statement. Remus winced but appreciated that Sirius didn’t take any butter or he feared it would probably all be gone. “Why so little?” Sirius asked in a pleasant tone like he was asking about the weather. He ran his finger through his hair where Remus couldn’t see his nerves shake his fingers.  
“You know why.”  
“I suppose I do” Sirius replied softly.   
Remus didn’t know what to say and now it was getting dark as the sun was setting. Remus could still see Sirius as his eyes adjusted and he still didn’t really understand why a man was still here. He says he gets bored easily, but he surely must have more to do. “Sirius-“  
Sirius almost forgot where he was, peacefully regarding the arm of the wooden chair he was sat on and he looked up as Remus began to speak but Sirius accidently interrupts as he does. “Do you have any candles?”  
Remus looked slightly taken aback. “I don’t think so, no. Not that I’ve found but churches are known for candles.”  
“You sit in the dark usually?”  
“Sirius, I am very much used to the dark. Living in a work-“he stopped and sighed deeply. He wasn’t going to talk about his life. He never wanted to utter it to anyone. He never had to, and he never would.

Sirius stopped looking for candles in drawers and he sat on the table beside Remus now. “I’m sorry.”  
Remus didn’t know how to handle the words and so he stared at the wall. He reached for a candle below him. He had lied about the candles. He just didn’t feel the use for them. He passed it to Sirius whose eyes hadn’t moved from Remus. Remus felt slightly sweaty and imagined he smelt which is why the gaze was so intense. Sirius felt he was making Remus uncomfortable and went about finding a way to light the candle. He managed, and then returned with it and found Remus asleep in the chair. Sirius sat down again and watched Remus instead of the architecture. Who knew the day would end like this? He didn’t but he was content with his new friend and eventually drifted into a painful sitting up sleep from which he painfully woke up from a few hours later.

Sirius woke with a jolt. What was the time? How could he tell with the light not filtering through the room? He figured he still had enough time to get to his job on time to prevent the locals from being too angry with him. He sprinted out, hoping he had not woken Remus and ran into the streets. It had been raining and water splashed up at him as he ran and the realisation dawned on him that he didn’t have the stick with him. He picked up a pile of rocks and ran into the night, moving faster than he ever had any other night. Remus awoke not because of Sirius but naturally with a tight knot in his neck from sleeping upright. Dear god. How did this happen? What did his guest think? He had probably left, offended shortly after but that’s what happens when you look for a host in somebody who can hardly host themselves. He was expecting it but he did felt a shard of hurt to find no figure of Mr Black sat opposite him. The wax had dripped into Remus’s lap but he hadn’t even felt it. He was getting old.  
Remus took a slice of bread and decided to go read some of the books. 

Sirius hadn’t let anyone down too badly but the money he received was short and he was given a couple of warnings but warnings were something that Sirius was used to. He stopped a carriage that was passing by and he took it back towards his home where he bathed and greeted Madeline as not to worry her. He knew how boring it could be in a house alone. But it wasn’t long before he was out again and he had a shopping list in mind. Warburga was walking in the direction of his house as he was leaving and it was a narrow escape. Sirius walked into a clothing establishment and picked up a few pieces. The shopkeepers were bemused to find that Sirius didn’t want his measurements taken but he instead he gave a rough guess at measurements that clearly weren’t his. The shopkeepers didn’t comment. This time. He ventured down a few more streets and found himself double-thinking whether he should let a young girl who asked if she could shine his shoes, do so. He was in a rush and he usually believed it was wrong because it was against the child’s will. But he thought of Remus and agreed in his mind that it was the right thing to do. She needs food. End of story.

Sirius picked up some more candles, jam and some meat. He returned home to cook the meat and then left again, items in tow. The church was near. It still looked the same. But Remus wouldn’t with the new clothes. Would he like that? Sirius wondered. Remus was a tough puzzle to crack but Mr Black was a determined man. He knocked and waited. Remus was halfway through his third book and peered through the keyhole to look at Sirius. At first Remus was struck by how much Sirius was holding but then how innocent he looked waiting. Prepared, somehow. Nervous how Remus hadn’t seen him the day before. Remus opened the heavy door. Sirius contorted his face into a grin and pointed his thumb at the graves. “What do you think of the neighbours? They’ve been rude to me hence far.”  
“I feel we’re the rude ones for being here.”  
“You’re ruder than I am. You’re living here.”  
“Maybe I’m dead too.”  
“I hope not.”  
“I’m close.”  
“I’m a medium and I can talk to the dead so that’s fine.”  
“Right.”

Remus looked at the seemingly gift-like items in front of him. “I thought this was going to be a light meeting but apparently we’ve been friends for years.”  
“We don’t have to be. I wanted to get these things, so I did.”  
“I wish we all had that pleasure.”  
Sirius was slightly riled by Remus in that moment but he kept his mouth closed. Remus touched one of the gifts like he didn’t know how and then Sirius opened his mouth again. “You can’t blame me for what I was born into.”  
“Yes, I know.”  
“I wish I wasn’t but that isn’t appealing to you either.”  
“No. But you don’t have to flaunt-“  
“I am not flaunting. I have more than I know what to do with and I’d rather have it spent on important things. You’re doing me a favour more than anything, Remus.”  
Dumbfounded, Remus looked at Sirius. The way he looked was consumed by his heritage but Remus kept being subdued by how much Sirius’s expressions rebelled it. He would give Sirius this one delight. He opened one of the gifts and clothes fell out. “I know you mean well but-“  
Sirius hushed him. Remus looked at the pieces. The fabrics were fine, but not the finest which was good. Remus liked the waistcoat most and looked at it for a while. “I don’t know how I found myself in this position and you know that I don’t like being the receiving party but thank you, Sirius. Really.” Remus moved onto the other items and he was enraptured by every single thing. “Thank you but no more after this.” He placed the jam next to the butter and held the meat like it was an explosive. Sirius did not but he looked cryptic which didn’t please Remus.

They ate some more bread and Remus looked apologetic for not the first time of the day and not the last. “You must be used to more food. I wouldn’t begrudge if you went back to have food at your own home. You don’t need to be here this long at all.”  
“I’ll make my own decisions. You’re not my God.”  
“I thought I was.” Remus pretended to sound disappointed.  
Sirius laughed. “You’re something else. High up, but not like God. Like the Moon or something.”  
“What does that make you?”  
“Low down like a dog.”  
“I will not hear of that. You’re switching the positions there.”  
“I insist. You’re….Moon!”  
“I’m moon-y something. That’s for sure.”


	8. Chapter 8

Sirius couldn’t stay that often at the church as he had because he needed to keep Warburga at bay and that was proving to be more difficult by the way but he bought himself more time by telling her that his betrothed was travelling with family and would be back “In mere months, mother, months!” and there were a few days he spent with Nymphadora but aside from that doing the things he was used to had become low down on his list. He didn’t go out to play cards that often and he was starting to get letters about it so he would go that night but not before he visited Remus.

Remus welcomed Sirius in and Sirius brandished a bottle of gin that glinted in the candlelight. “In a church?” Remus exclaimed. “Mr Black, your sins get larger every day.”  
“Don’t I know it!” Sirius kept his hat on which had now become a joke because Remus disliked it so harshly.   
“Did you know I’ve never tried Gin or anything of the sort?” Remus started.  
“Never?”  
“Never in my life.”  
“Interesting” Sirius opened it up and the browned liquid poured in equal measure into each cup. Sirius lifted his up in a clinking motion. “You see we do this and we say ‘Cheers’!”  
“I know that much.” Remus said dryly.   
Sirius laughed. “Then show what you know!”  
“Cheers…” Remus spoke unenthusiastically and let the liquid touch his lips and over his tongue. He hissed. “That burning sensation – is it meant to do that?”  
Sirius waved his hands. “It’s the best part!”  
Remus believed him and took another sip. “Do you go to many parties?”  
“Sometimes.”  
“I knew it. As soon as I met you.” Remus smiled ominously and fondly.  
“Lies.”  
Remus found himself taking more than a few sips. “I believe I’m getting used to it. What happens at these parties?”  
Sirius felt sad that Remus had never experienced any. “Well – many things. There are many sorts. There can be boring, stuffy parties and there can be better ones.” He moved closer to explain.  
Remus looked at Sirius as if to say “Continue” and Sirius thought out his next works to get the best visuals for Remus to hear. Remus could see the effort that Sirius was going to to think and he found himself watching closely because of the gin. Sirius looked back at Remus. “I do not know ho-“ but he did know a way. Before he could think, he leaned forward and took Remus’s lips into his own.  
\--  
Remus was so focused on Sirius’s face that he hadn’t realised what had happened for a while as it was happening. He leaned into. He couldn’t tell if the burning was from his innards or from the gin. He involuntarily gasped through it and he found himself holding onto Sirius’s head. He intended to get his hands there so he could pull away but his hands had other ideas to stay. Remus could feel Sirius panicking too and it made the kiss more desperate and finally Remus had to stop it. “I don’t know what I did for that to happen.”

Sirius’s chest was heaving and he looked at Remus go through all of the stages of grief he’d ever seen in one face. He instantly wanted to make him laugh but he had made the opposite happen so fast. Remus uttered the words he thought that he would never say to Sirius Black again. “Please go.” Sirius found his coat and hat and looked regretful as he left. Remus sank to the floor and looked at the gin in the middle of a church and he could only mumble “Sorry Ernest.”   
Sirius was out in the cold. His mind was racing and he could not set it straight. He walked through a crowd of people seemingly having left a play and their words of praise and their criticism for the theatre is how he felt about what had just happened. He headed for the gentlemen’s club on his right and he was met with lots “Well, I never!” “Nice to see you, fellow!” and the night moved on like it had to.

Remus woke with a headache and he needed to go outside. Sirius had said the graves there were rude but he liked talking to them too. Sometimes he blurred out the names and imagined his mother was there instead which was disrespectful but the truth. He couldn’t find the heart to tell her about this today so he went back inside. He was going to start looking for a job. The new clothes would help and he needed to do something to keep his mind off what it was constantly thinking about.  
Sirius had been pretty reckless last night. Not only with Remus but with his money and gambling while intoxicated. His friends had helped him home and no doubt his parents would be over soon. Madeline was sympathetic and made him a batch of a hot, acidic drink that mended his headache to a degree. But the pain was still there. And so was the man in the church. The moon-like man. Sirius was a fool.

Remus walked until his feet were raw. He intended to apply for jobs but felt too self-conscious to bite the bullet with any of the businesses he walked past. He found a stray paper and he looked through what was advertised. Many required skill he had no experience in. He would need to start from the very bottom. He had heard word of work at the docks but they were far and work day to day was never guaranteed. He could ask Sirius if he could pay for his travel. At least for the first few times. No. He couldn’t. It was out of the question. Remus punched a wall and a few kids watched him as the blood flowed. He hid it from them and apologised. He would do this. He could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a short one but it's a pretty pivotal scene so I felt like it needed its own chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

Sirius made it back to the church several times since he had last seen Remus and he was unlucky every time. Sometimes he opened the door and sat and waited and sometimes he didn’t. He became increasingly worried and it would affect his work. One window was shattered and word got back to his boss. Fired. Madeline found Sirius spread out on his front. “Master Black you need daylight in here.”  
Sirius replied but it sounded like nonsense so she opened the curtains wide. “Get up. It’s a beautiful day and you may yet find a beautiful girl.”  
Sirius laughed hysterically which frightened Madeline and she left the breakfast waiting outside of his door this time. Remus had been working at the docks now for a week and a half. He was by far one of the weakest but it was known that he could be trusted and wouldn’t thieve which brought him some work. He slept in putrid corners and he was robbed of all of the remaining money he had found at the church. Most people would be bitter but Remus was just glad to be doing something. He missed his books. He missed the church and he missed Sirius. Many men who worked on the docks had long black hair as Sirius did. It had taken a while for Remus’s head not to snap off turning to see if it really was most of the time. He tended to look at seagulls instead. He was sat with one now. He pulled off a piece of bread and gave it to the bird. It was Sirius’s piece so it wasn’t entirely wasteful. 

Remus felt like a terrible person the longer the silence ran and the longer the distance from Mr Black. He didn’t even feel negatively about the experience in the first place but just the repercussions it would have on Sirius. And Remus, if he was honest, thought that Sirius might have blamed him for the whole ordeal. Although Sirius never did blame him for anything. It was mutual, and he hoped that Sirius could come to that conclusion. He finished his lunch and he worked for another back-breaking few hours and all of the scars from his childhood ached with every movement.

Sirius didn’t attempt to get another job for a while. He spent most days with his friends Gideon and Fabian and stayed clear of Warburga. He was planning on moving entirely but he had to bide his time. He tried not to visit the church anymore. But he did walk past without fail especially at night in case of any candle light.  
Remus didn’t know how it happened but he rented a room. It was small, square and hardened. No light and no privacy but he had achieved it himself. Maybe this is what his mother meant by being ‘full’ but his soul didn’t feel that way. He had people he spoke to but he wouldn’t allow himself to befriend although a fellow as weak as him called Peter lived next door and was difficult to say no to because on occasion Peter did show him around the area and Remus had quite enjoyed through the windows of shops filled with artefacts and books and a cheese shop close-by. Half a year later had passed and Remus had to get in contact with Sirius. He didn’t know his address per ‘say but Peter had a habit of finding things out from noblemen on the docks about to depart. Peter would make a fine spy. 

Remus had never bought paper and hadn’t had the first clue where to find it. But he had bought some, some for Peter who he knew had family he wanted to reach and a pen which they shared. Remus looked at the paper. Staring at a blank piece of paper is one of the most awful things but once he got past that, he wrote with vest and eventually sent it. Sirius had started the process of packing but he hadn’t told Madeline. He was working up the courage. For some reason it had always seemed like Madeline had his best interests at heart and had thought that he was going to stick it out in London and outlive the bastards and dance on their graves but he couldn’t deny that he was unhappy. Gin made him happy but Madeline had kindly put an end to that. 

“You’re a swine for doing that” he always joked but he followed it with “But I am really grateful.” He should have quit it when he kissed Remus anyway but he never had the compulsion to kiss anyone else under the influence but life was mysterious in that way. A letter had come for him and Madeline had left it on the stairs. Sirius thought nothing of it and stuffed it into his coat as he left. He wanted to go to the church. Once he was in, he felt his worries were left behind at the door. Against his sanity he had brought more things to make it more homely once in a while. Cushions for the pews. Potatoes and tea too. In case Remus ever returned but Sirius didn’t know if he himself would.   
Sirius toyed with the letter in his pocket. He hadn’t ripped it in half yet because his mind was telling him that it wasn’t Warburga but it had to be. Nobody sent Sirius Black letters especially not with nice handwriting but it definitely wasn’t his mother’s unless she was tricking him to get him to read it. He jumped around the church and he wrote his name on a pew and then went to Remus’s but couldn’t. Shouldn’t. He didn’t like churches anymore. It had been special before but maybe that was because a man he had first spoken to through a door had lived there. His eyes stung and he threw the letter. He didn’t believe he even deserved letters.  
But he did open it and when he did open it he felt higher than the moon.


	10. Chapter 10

The words felt good and warm like a good batch of ale. His fingers remained on the address as he fell asleep under the stained glass window. The next morning he took a carriage to the address and he paid without even asking for the fare. He asked around. Remus wasn’t home yet. So Sirius naturally headed towards the sea. You could barely see it because it was congested by a sheer amount of workers and boats which was a great shame in Sirius’s eyes. Sirius wondered for a moment if Remus was down there but he doubted it. But any one of them could be. Sirius wasn’t aware of how much time had passed or what the weather had turned into. He would make his way back to the address soon but it turned out he didn’t have to. The air seemed to change as someone came up beside him and all Sirius could do was clutch onto Remus like he was the biggest bonnet-wearing baby the world had known.  
Remus knew something was different when he walked up the path. People kept diverting because someone was taking it up and it didn’t take long to see who that ‘someone’ was. Remus couldn’t help but gape. Sirius looked pretty helpless looking out at the docks and it was then that it really hit him how much pain they had both gone through. Remus approached Sirius slowly at first but all pretence failed him when he got there. He pulled Sirius in a similar but different way to how Sirius had embraced him previously because Remus was aware that they were very public. He conveyed what he wanted in posture and he knew he needed to get Sirius somewhere out of the way.   
Remus entered Peter’s room with Sirius to disrupt suspicion as it was more common for three men to engage in card games then it was for two and Remus used the side entrance to get to his own quarters and thanking Peter as they left. “Who’s that? Madeline would like him!” Sirius said quietly near but not too close to Remus’s ear.  
“Who’s Madeline?”  
Sirius sat down on the bed. “It’s just dawned on me that we don’t know that much about each other, do we?”  
“To refrain from being too forward I would say that I could never know enough about you.”  
Sirius felt his whole body prickle with heat at Remus’s words and pain of the last few months. “Madeline works for me. She’s a sweet girl.”  
“I’m glad she was there for you.”  
Sirius sighed and laid back. “I shouldn’t have left after what happened. This could have been avoided.”  
“You do have a flair for the dramatics.”  
Sirius nodded but Remus pointed a finger at himself. “But I am the one to blame. I ran too fast, too far and I didn’t take your feelings into account. I’ve never had to take anyone’s feelings into account before.”

Sirius listened distantly. He looked at the room and what Remus had made for himself and he was transfixed with the pride that he had for him. Remus laid down next to Sirius. There wasn’t room but he was compelled to. It felt foreign but more real than he had ever felt. He started to lean his head carefully onto Sirius’s chest. Sirius’s heart was beating faster and he wanted to kiss Remus again but it was the catalyst for all the wrong that had happened since. Remus removed his own hat. “I can’t believe I have a hat almost as pompous as yours.” Sirius looked at the hat. He liked how it fit Remus and how the fringe of his hair fell out of it as he took it off. It was blackened by the day but golden ever still. “Yours looks good. Mine never did.”  
“I was starting to like it.”  
“In that case I will keep it. I will never burn it. Ever. I promise you on bended knee.”  
Remus laughed but quietly so nobody would hear. The walls were thin and ears were big. “You need to be quiet here. I know that is exceptionally hard for you but I want to kiss you and nark around without the bobbies breaking the door down.”  
Remus claimed Sirius’s dress shirt in his hand, his hands shaking with how he felt himself consistently needing to be closer. Their lips found each other. Sirius had realised how much his mouth had lost its purpose after Remus had left. He had never used it this way. It was like they were continuing from where they left off and they could almost taste the gin but maybe it hadn’t been gin at all. 

They spent a majority of time in that position whenever it was possible. Remus worked obscene hours and it was frustrating for two men who had only recently been reunited. Sirius couldn’t stay at Remus’s quarters because that was just being obvious and Sirius didn’t want to go back so he found a modest where they met instead. Sirius loved the way his body reacted whenever Remus entered the room. He didn’t believe in sin but if he did he was being sinful all the way. There was no coming back. Not when Remus always looked so victorious and gentle whenever he would get back (injuries and all.)

Sirius would try and tend to the injuries but he never paid attention to how Madeline did it. He cursed himself for that now. He applying the latest mixture he had found in a shop full of medicinal remedies but it seemed not to be making a difference that Sirius wanted it to. He threw it and Remus had to use all the energy he had left to prevent it from skimming his head. Sirius sighed louder. “Why are we even doing this? I have means. I have money.”  
“You might not even have means for much longer. Your mother isn’t going to wait much longer for you to take a wife of your own, Sirius.”  
“All the more reason to use and hide it now.”  
“I’m not opposed to that.” Remus touched Sirius’s back and slid it under his shirt in support. “But we’re being clever and discreet.”  
“There are better jobs for you.”  
“There are but I’m not what people typically want to employ but I have more experience now. So something will come along.”  
“I’m not waiting for it. I’m going to find it. I’ll work instead.” Sirius rested against Remus who couldn’t breathe from the wait initially but found a spot where it worked. He kissed Sirius’s neck, daringly. He had never done that and didn’t know what was coming over him. “We should join a circus.” Remus spoke warmly into Sirius’s neck that Sirius reacted to vocally but not enough to steer him from the subject. “Yes! Exactly! I'll ride an elephant and you will be out of harm in the audience every day." Remus chuckled and Sirius moved so his lips were against Remus's neck now and he trailed his kisses along his ear. Sirius knew Remus had only known what a circus was because Sirius had explained. Remus had heard of them obviously but never know the details. He breathed erratically as Sirius's lips touched him. "Sometimes I want to tell you we'll do whatever you want, rich boy." Sirius laughed at the mocking nickname and he bit on Remus's ear gently and whispered. "Same to you. That's the only reason we're still here in this madness."  
"And because you know I am correct. And you like the docks."  
"They exploit you."  
"Everywhere exploits me, Sirius. It's natural to love and hate a place at the same time." Sirius's hands moved deeper into Remus's work trousers than he had ever moved them before. To keep himself busy Sirius had been buying a book a day for Remus to escape into when he came back from work and his vocabulary was definitely adapting. Sirius found this to be enriching to his groin area. He hadn't cared about language before. Remus groaned and Sirius began to feel very proud of himself before Remus pulled his face into a passionate, drawn out kiss.

Remus liked to watch the sugar being imported into the dock. Sirius knew that because Remus would always save time to watch like it was the most fascinating thing and that was, in turn, the most fascinating thing he had ever seen that Remus did that. Sirius had made a few casual friends in businessmen around the dock and he knew many secrets about the trades that were booming. A trade he thought that Remus would like. 

Sirius was posed like a renaissance painting when Remus walked in. The day had been particularly hard because he had dropped cargo on his feet and he crossed the room with a limp. Sirius bolted upright and moved the book that was placed enticingly in his lap. "Moon, what happened?"  
"It's Moony..."  
"Yes yes. What happened?" Sirius picked and inspected Remus's leg like it wasn't still connected.   
"Fiddlesticks! How can you be as tender as a lover and yet so heavy handed the rest of the time?"  
Sirius looked at Remus's leg harder.  
"All I did was drop a heavy object on it. It is, as always, fine."  
Sirius sighed. It had turned into their own language of sorts. Remus sighed back and took his leg back and hobbled to a chair with his new-found book.

"You can't be a confectionery maker with a crippled foot." Sirius reasoned. out if the blue.  
Remus wasn't listening. He was pages in, and his patience was being tested.  
"Remus." Sirius got on his knees in front of Remus. "They're working on a sweet shop a few streets down. I've put your name down. I am your reference. I told them you've been working for me for months and I've never seen anyone work with sugar like you do."

Remus looked at Sirius, sighed twice and rested his forehead against Sirius's. "Did you have to fib that much?"  
Sirius ignored the question. "They respect me. Well, they respect my twisted family but I am if the understanding I have convinced them."  
"They wouldn't respect me if not for you."  
Sirius blushed and felt lightheaded. He wanted Remus to be happy with the news. "The only way anyone gets anywhere in this blasted country is by lying."

Years came to Remus's eyes. "I live-in" He laughed and passed it off as a cough and dropped his book. He wasn't supposed to say that word to a man. He wasn't Sirius's wife and he wasn't Sirius's. Sirius tapped Remus to get him to return to what he was saying. Better fly through the words. "I love you. I really do. But I can't lie to them. They're good people and I don't want to be a reason they fail."  
Sirius felt dizzy with hearing the word 'love' and he nursed Remus's leg in his arms and stroked it. "There is plenty of time to practice."  
"How on earth can I pract-"  
Sirius pulled Remus onto the floor with him and there was no resistance from Remus. "I love you as well." Sirius spoke with mirth as he grabbed Remus's rear. Remus had to laugh that the confession came with something so Sirius. They had sex for the first time that night in the best way they knew how to do.


	11. Chapter 11

Sirius wanted for them to return to the heart of London for a few days and Remus couldn’t think of anything good to come out of that. Sirius wanted to go back a few days before him and it was the first time that they had been separated since being back together and it gave Remus complex anxiety. As did the thought of going back to London. It was bearable enough when he was there but now that he was outside of it he had no desire to enter the bad memories of his entire existence. It wasn’t the right place for him anymore. Sirius had suggested that Peter Pettigrew come and it wasn’t a bad idea. Pettigrew had been fired for thieving and frankly, Remus felt bad that it had happened. Peter couldn’t afford to keep up his rent and Remus had wished Peter had known that he could have to come to him and Remus could have asked for a loan from Sirius. But Peter didn’t know who Sirius was and so Remus felt as bad as a friend could get.

Pettigrew didn’t know why he was asked to come but he had always wanted to go to London. He had never been. So when Remus asked with travel included there was no question for the mousy man who did enjoy the company of his new friends. The original plan was to retreat to Sirius’s house but as much as the house he had never entered fascinated Remus he had no intention of being questioned and in the very public eye of his family and Sirius agreed. Sirius had then suggested a hotel or a lodging but Remus was adamant about where he wanted to go. Remus had been uneasy the whole carriage ride over. It was the dead of morning and the streets were quiet except for the rumble of suffering of the miles of poor stricken people filled the air. It had now been a long time since Remus had been one of them. Well, not long but longer than he knew how to process. Remus looked at each stacked high houses that blocked out the sun when it was out and imagined how Sirius would be making the rounds right now if he still had his job.

Remus took a moment to look at Sirius who never complained about not having a job anymore. In a way, Remus had become his job and that left a distasteful taste in Remus’s mouth. Pettigrew looked at London in wonder in a similar way that Sirius had looked at the Church all those months ago. They were getting close now and Remus had the jitters. They got out of the carriage nearby and Sirius patted the horse and Remus listened to the hooves clunk away as he his feet seemed to move without himself prompting them to.

Pettigrew followed but being religious he found the whole thing strange but Remus and Sirius were strange to him anyway. Why were they coming to London only to go back again? Why would you want to leave London? What were they hiding? Pettigrew had a certain kind of loyalty to Remus but he wasn’t above gathering information. Remus opened the heavy church door after waving awkwardly and tipping his gap to the gravestones that welcomed them. It was bizarre now, being aware that Sirius had purchased the property before they even met each other. That was an investment that certainly paid off for Sirius and it did feel safer for the both of them to be there.  
It was obvious to Sirius that there had been something else that had been living in the church but they couldn’t work out if the being had been human or animal and they decided not to give it no mind. Remus had been in the same situation. Pettigrew left pretty soon after they arrived to do what only Peter would do. To do as a city rat would do. Find jobs and thieve, was Remus’s guess. Sirius had brought a giant stove of a thing and other equipment he could just about carry to the church for Remus to practice with. Remus had no idea if these contraptions were even correct but he learnt with them anyway. Sirius would assist whenever it was needed especially with taste testing.  
Remus loved sweets but even he, eating more sugar than he had ever been used to, found too much to be too rich and sickly. Just like Sirius with the flu. Pettigrew hadn’t been having much luck and his perfect image of London was breaking. Remus could see it in his eyes and Sirius would try things to cheer him up. “This my friend,” Sirius began like he was erupting into a speech and picked up a bottle of gin. “Is gin! It gives you confidence” he winked at Remus and looked at Peter. “It’s hard out there, Pettigrew but this will give you energy when you think that you’ve lost it.”  
Peter wanted to invest in what Mr Black was saying but he was hard. Peter knew now that Sirius was filthy rich and so it made the words condescending but Remus was far from that. That’s why Peter hadn’t even attempted to pickpocket Sirius. Peter tried to the gin. “I feel better alwready, Sir.”  
“I’m not a Sir”  
“Then what are you?”  
“He’s a madame!” Remus called over, smiling. This confused Peter but he had found a home and it was decidedly good. Until they left again, that is. Since he had been back Sirius’s father instead of his mother had started to visit with great frequency so Sirius made sure that he was at his house at least a couple of times a day. On one occasion, Sirius had returned to the church with lashes on his back and Madeline in tow who agreed to escort him. She didn’t know much, but she was smart. And she patched most of the clues together. “I think Sherlock Holmes wasn’t a man, you know! I think he was based off of her!” Sirius said, blazingly as he was passed to Remus like a rag doll.  
Madeline smiled. “I used to come to service here!”  
That shocked everyone.  
Remus placed Sirius down on some cushions on a pew and he looked at Madeline. “You did?”  
“My Uncle Ernest ran it for a while.”  
Sirius started laughing. Hard. And Peter came out because of the noise and stopped when he saw the blonde, blue-eyed girl who wore a simple cream dress which hugged her figure in a loose, pretty way. He walked up.  
“Pettigrew!” He stammered.  
“Madeline!” She replied, affronted by the apparent attention nobody gave her. Peter and Madeline started seeing each other after that and it gave Remus and Sirius more time to themselves as their stay in London was starting to come to a close. They were in the tiny bed in the back side room that they alternated to use during the night. Sirius had lit more candles than needed and they were both naked as they spoke. How did this feel so comfortable? Remus asked himself that every day. From never touching anybody to this. It was a jump and had never deemed it possible. It was almost time for him to start being a confectioner and he knew he would be fired but he didn’t have the heart to tell the notorious Sirius Black that. He would probably go back and manage to convince them a number of times to take Remus back but it wouldn’t be any use.  
Remus noticed something in the side of the room and it looked like his mother. He never had told her anything before. About Sirius, the separation or the pure fullness he know felt and never wanted to let go of. But he felt her there. Had he ever told Sirius about his mother? He didn’t think he had but there was still time. There was always time. He hoped his mother knew and if she was there with them now he hoped she had something in welsh to say about it. He fell asleep trying to remember what his mother had sounded like.

Pettigrew had returned while Remus and Sirius were getting dressed and pretended not to notice, but he did. He and Madeline had a good night but he had run into Mrs Black while leaving the house and Madeline’s job was now in jeopardy. This scared Peter and he thought he knew what being scared felt like. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Sirius as he ran through the hall kissing the paintings of Jesus as he was pulling on his coat. Remus, then? Remus was following, trying to keep up and pulling his shoes on. All Peter could muster was: “Where are you both going?”  
Sirius looked ecstatic to answer the question. “Remus has never been to the theatre so we’re going.”  
There was a slight strain to both of their expressions. It seemed like they expected danger and couldn’t fully enjoy what they planned to do.  
“I was thinking the Opera actually.” Remus added, then stopped and turned to Peter. “Did you want to come along?”  
Pettigrew shook his head and Remus and Sirius assumed he wanted to spend more time to spend with Madeline so they left him to it. 

They had been out together but not in London. Not in such close proximity to streets that just gushed with the Black Family. They would probably come across some at the Opera. What would Remus do? He didn’t know. Sirius had suggested that he pretend to be the brother of the woman who Sirius is pretending to court. Like Remus was there to be impressed by Sirius which wasn’t far from the truth. The theatre stunned Remus. Even the entrance way. He looked at the ticket in his hand. He had never felt the weight of anything he owned feel so light before. They walked up the steps to their seats. Of course they were in a booth and of course family did indeed stop Sirius and introductions were made. Remus tried to breathe regularly through every interaction but his own perception of himself made him feel that it was obvious to others that he was nothing other than the son of a single mother. A boy who never went to school. A man without a title.  
Sirius saw a range of emotions on Remus’s face and the urge to squeeze his hand was monumental. “Forget everything. Enjoy yourself. I can’t enjoy opera so you have to.”  
That made Remus laugh and the curtains rose.

The opera had finished and Sirius had liked it more than anticipated. It wasn’t just noise compared to when he had been before. Sirius knew noise. He was noise but now he associated moments of his life to the voices on stage. Remus couldn’t believe his eyes and they walked out together in a satisfied and connected silence. Remus spotted a woman with a long frock and with striking resemblance to Sirius heading for them. Her eyes looked tired but the corner of her eyes looked merciless. Sirius saw her too and his shoulders tensed, threatened. Remus tried not to panic and tried not to panic as he walked with a stoic face right on past the woman. He could feel Sirius’s abandoned eyes on his back and Remus suddenly didn’t know if what he was doing was right. He had no etiquette in these kinds of things. He started to make a U-turn and at least attempted to make it look natural.

Sirius and Warburga were using a quiet but biting tone to each other as Remus approached. He got the golden binoculars in his hand ready. “Thank you Master Black for this outing. I have decided that it would be no less than my complete pleasure to accept your well wishes of marrying my sister.” Warburga surveyed him with a confused motion and it took her a moment to compose this. Sirius always told Remus that he had the genes of an upperclassman and could pass but Remus wasn’t sure just how many average Joes Sirius had even met anyway to make a fair assessment.  
“Thank you, Walter. It means the world to me.” Sirius shook his hand. Remus would kill Sirius for calling him Walter. Remus gave a curt nod and held his gloved hands in a cup. “And this is your mother, I assume? Very nice to meet you finally, Mrs Black. Sirius is a very private man. My sister is private too. A woman that is.” He kissed her hand. She tasted of hand cream. It would stick in his nostrils for a while. “I’m afraid I will have to take my leave now as I have a long journey home as you know, Mr Black so I will bid you goodbye.” Warburga and Sirius nodded in unison like something had been fixed but not entirely. Remus starting to leave and he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. It upset him that he wasn’t leaving with who he arrived with but it was for the greater good.  
Remus didn’t know whether to wait or head back to the church but he considered it safer to go to the church. Peter wasn’t there and it was harrowingly silent. Remus thought back to the opera and the way he had seen Sirius’s mind about opera change in front of him. He held onto the image and drifted into sleep.

Sirius was there when Remus woke up but he seemed on edge. But it was gone when Sirius noticed that Remus was awake. “You did a magnificent job!” Remus smiled sheepishly. “I didn’t know. I didn’t sleep very well because of it.”  
“What did you think of Mummy?”  
“What did I…think? Oh god Sirius. I don’t know. Well groomed?”  
“You managed to think of something. I never manage to think of anything good to say. I marvel at you, Lupin.”  
“Did she believe us?”  
It looked like Sirius was hiding something but he nodded. “We fooled her good!”  
Remus sighed with relief and his stomach turned when he noticed sweets on the side but moving his eyes further he noticed a small bar of chocolate by the extinguished candle. That was enough to get Remus up. He grabbed it. “Nestle” he murmured. “That’s a new word.”  
“It means ‘Remus, eat me’”  
“I’m sure it does.”

Peter returned at a random hour again. It was Remus and Sirius’s last night in London and Peter wanted to see them and they always had wise words to say to him when he was worried and he was worried. Sirius noticed first. That usually wasn’t the order.  
“Pettigrew? You’re thoughts are deafening me! Penny for your thoughts?”  
Peter squirmed. “I need to find a job and I need to find it quickly.”  
Remus looked inquisitive and sat by them both. “What’s happened, Peter?”  
“Madeline’s pregnant.”  
Sirius’s instinct was soaring happiness. Madeline would be so happy but the emotion couldn’t last long. It turned to fury. “That was foolish.”  
“I know, but we love each other.”  
“More than love is needed.”  
“I know which is-“  
Remus shouted at Sirius leapt and shoved Peter. “Out. Back room. Now!” Remus pointed at the room where Sirius should go to and Sirius left. He wasn’t proud of his latest action. Peter looked depressed in a way Remus could identify with. “I know they’re looking for a new knocker upper.” Peter perked up and Remus wrote down the address but remembered Peter couldn’t read. “I’ll show you where to go.”  
“Thank you for the kindness.”  
“You have been kind to us too.”  
Peter looked forlornly at the door to the side. “He’s never going to forgive me.”  
“He loves Madeline. He loves the idea of a baby version of her. You’ve got to understand that she was his closest friend for a long time and she means a lot to him.”  
“It’s not that which he won’t forgive.”  
“What do you mean?”  
Peter left and Remus walked inside the room to be with Sirius. The air was thick with shame.

“You didn’t have to push the boy.”  
“I did but I feel bad for it.”  
“You should.”  
“He should too.”  
“One day it’s going to be easier for women to be pregnant.”  
“The day isn’t now. They’re too early! Bloody idiots!”  
Remus held Sirius even if he didn’t know the full implications of what Peter had done. Remus Lupin couldn’t see the bad in people like he used to.


	12. Chapter 12

Sirius was up before Remus the next day. He had found a large lock for the church and he had arranged for some of the items to be transported but surprisingly none of the equipment. Remus wasn’t a fan of taking anything at all but he thought that if Sirius was going to do it them some of the equipment would be included. Sirius was pacing.   
“Sirius. What’s going on? And please be precise.”  
“Nothin’s going, moonman.” Sirius kissed Remus’s cheek. He’d made breakfast. Breakfast was another thing that Remus was gradually getting used to. More than zero or one meals a day felt excessive. It was broth that tasted better than broth was supposed to taste. It was like a rich man trying to recreate something he knew nothing about but Remus went back for more. Three bowls, in the end.  
Remus still eyed Sirius suspiciously who hadn’t said a word since his last sentence before breakfast. Remus had wanted to show Peter where he could apply to be a Keeper-Upper but Sirius volunteered and Peter joined them for a while as they ate.   
“If this job doesn’t work out for you then I’ve given Sirius a list of residents that need a chimney sweep. Promise me that you will do everything you can to make it work. No more stealing. For Madeline’s sake.” It occurred to Remus that it might be one of the last times he sees Peter Pettigrew and he feels sorrowful as he watches Sirius and Peter leave, barely saying anything to each other. Remus regards the church and wishes he knew how to have maintained it better. It was already starting to come under disrepair. Maybe in the future. Remus was tidying when he heard a large knock on the door. His heart stopped. Neither Sirius nor Peter ever knocked.  
The knock happened again and the room started to spin. Who was it? There was no doubt in his mind that it had to be Warburga. She didn’t stay long and Remus had found his place behind the organ. Sirius hadn’t been careful. He was at the church too often and this was bound to have happened sooner or later. It felt like years but Sirius came back singing one of the opera songs he remembered and now butchered as he searched for Remus. Remus didn’t want to let on to what happened so he greeted Sirius.  
“Remus! Pettigrew has a trial as a sweep. It all might be right after all. Madeline is living with her parents for now and their other six children but I think it might be all right.”  
“I’m glad, Sirius. When can we go?”  
Sirius looked slightly alarmed by Remus’s urgency. “Whenever you like. But do you know what I thought about when thinking about chimney sweeping? I would like to go into your chimney…”  
“Soon or now to leave would be quite good if you wouldn’t mind.”  
“We can do that.”

Remus wanted to suggest leaving separately. He felt paranoid now that Warburga would be around the corner and he couldn’t keep that from Sirius anymore. Sirius listened to what Remus had to say and Remus noticed that Sirius had something he was lying about too. “They’ve closed my bank account and they have forced the confectionary shop not to open.”  
Remus felt attacked. And he was. Being attacked. By one of the most well off people in the city if not the country. He lost his footing. “I need to sit down.”  
“I wasn’t going to tell you. I was going to make something else work. I’ve got train tickets.”  
“A locomotive- I’ve never even been on-“It should be a happy surprise but it was shadowed by fear and Remus felt crestfallen.   
“I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be. We shouldn’t have come back.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
Remus walked to Sirius and kissed him. “Enough of that.”

Sirius had saved some money that he had emptied from the account. He had given half to Madeline and he was now giving half to Remus. “I have a carriage coming.”  
“It might be better on foot.”  
“I’m not taking chances today.”  
Remus put a book in his pocket for the journey. He realised something. “Did Peter tell them?”  
Sirius didn’t want to answer.  
“To stop them from firing Madeline?”  
Sirius reluctantly confirmed that yes that is what happened.  
“But of course now she’s fired anyway because she’s pregnant?”  
“Yes.”

Remus and Sirius left the church and it was the same horses that they had met who had brought them into London and it was fitting they were taking them back out again. Remus couldn’t read yet. He was tired, and afraid and he couldn’t ask because of the coachman. They were notorious for listening to conversations. They made it to London Paddington and Remus heard the train before he saw it. It sounded loud and sharp. Sirius had been on trains a couple of times. He had travelled to the countryside with family often enough so he was used to the noise and the movement whereas Remus fidgeted whenever he thought about the machine.  
They departed the carriage with no time to say farewell to the horses. Remus watched the steam spill ahead and above of them. He and Sirius were the steam and they were going to escape this place and start anew. And then is what they saw Orion Black who was Sirius’s father and some of his male cousins waiting for them.

Sirius was under no assumption that this wouldn’t be the case. He knew they would come and that is why Remus had the money. He supposed he could run. He could hide but they would know where the train was heading. Remus had a better chance without him but Remus didn’t know that.  
Remus found the few moments that they had left but that is what they had left and it was all he could do. He pretended the moment was bliss but he could hear the voices growing nearer even if his vision was starting to blur. He looked at Sirius for one of the last times and that’s how he wanted to remember Sirius’s face right now. Unafraid. Sirius had looked at Remus too, and it was the opposite in what he saw. Remus was clearly afraid but his face never did show what Remus could overcome. Sirius touched Remus’s back and he felt like it was a prompt to leave him.

Remus didn’t know what extent Sirius’s family knew about his and Sirius’s relationship. Maybe not anything at all and they were just stopping him leaving the city but he felt in danger as soon as Sirius touched him. He had never associated that touch with danger but he just knew. Remus grasped his ticket tight and stepped into the crowd moving towards the platform. Away from Sirius. Remus wasn’t going to flee fast. That is what he expected that they wanted him to do and he wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. He found the carriage that was supposed to belong to them and the red velvet felt luxurious but tainted. Not much could be heard or seen by the window but he did see Sirius. Being held back by a cousin he was attempting to lash out at his father and Remus was pretty sure he saw somebody hit Sirius’s head. The strain started to move, and families ran alongside the train. It was a beautiful thing. If his mother had been there she would have tried to have run faster than the little girls that were gaining speed with their dresses catching wind to propel them. She would have found it to be a challenge. But nothing like the challenge Remus would now have to face. He was now utterly alone once more. He turned from the window and the look on his face must have scared the person who had attempted to enter the booth.

They were going to sell his house. They couldn’t even let him have that. Sirius only had his only bedroom suite because they were clearly afraid of him being around his younger brother, Regulus. Good. They were right to. He couldn’t stand a minute with anyone. The great clock by his door boomed and Sirius was gutted like a fish at the sound. He had been trying to escape that clock since he was born. It was inescapable and he suspected it was there to remind every descendent not to dream of anything and to snap out of it. His parents hadn’t ensured that and Sirius loved that he was the walking reminder of their failure. His eyes were puffy and he had to use a chair leg of an ornate chair in his bedroom that he had broken as a crutch. He had been beaten but not enough to damage good looks. It was his only appeal to the family. The clock chiming was also reminding of how far across the country that Remus was becoming. Of course Sirius knew where the ticket would be taking Remus but from that point Remus could go anywhere. Remus wouldn’t know what to do with that freedom. Sirius chuckled at the thought. As long as he never attempted to come back then this grey-eyed inflated fish-faced Sirius Black could deal with that.

The motion wasn't as awful as Remus had expected. It was enjoyable. He couldn't believe that Sirius had been disinterested about them. It was more than a travel system. It was like magic. He almost didn't hear the curt knock on the door and the ticket ward entering. Remus could tell that the man was bored and unfulfilled and strangely fresh-faced for a Victorian man. Like Sirius.  
"Ticket"  
Remus complied, reading the inscription on the man's coat. "Potter?"  
"That would be what they call me. But it's James."  
Remus smirked. The man was cheerful too. He indeed would be the ideal friend of Sirius if Sirius was there.  
"Nice name."  
"I'll let my Ma know!"   
Remus felt absurd to be creating conversation when he was in a situation that was as sure as his was so he stopped. Potter left with a quizzical expression.  
Now Remus wondered where the train was going. The book he had in his pocket that day was a very old map book that had belonged to the church. It was designed to locate holy buildings in Britain but it was still helpful, in a way. In fact, the pages didn’t give him much to go on at all but it made him feel safe. He knew that London was pretty central and most big cities surrounded it. He didn’t know if he wanted to live in a small town or a city. Remus was starting to feel like he didn’t want to live anywhere at all. That feeling had been there before but it was having a field day now that Sirius had lost Sirius. James Potter the ticket guy had entered a few more times and they had talked. James had tried to trick Remus into thinking they were going the wrong way to scare the man who he had just met but failed when it seemed that he didn’t even know where he was going to begin with. 

James had then gone on to tell Remus that he wasn’t even supposed to be working on the train but he used to sneak on as minor and he had been noticed.   
“I feel like that punishment was not the worst thing they could have done.”  
“Obviously I planned it that way.” Potter joked, and Remus laughed.  
“We’re almost there but these is my address if you need anything. I don’t usually give this out but you look like you need it and I’m charitable too.” James Potter smiled widely.  
“Thank you.” Remus took the paper and watched the man almost prance away. Were trains always like this?


	13. Chapter 13

Marlene had been brought back and Sirius had to spend time with her. She was nice enough and was what you would expect in a moderately ambitious woman of his generation. She could sew and she liked to do it a lot. She liked to dance, and could play the piano too. She didn’t like his family so they had that in common. Sirius felt like larking around so he got Marlene to teach him to sew and his mother had frowned and the next day all the sewing pieces were gone. Marlene was livid about that and it was understandable. Sirius would have bought her more if he could leave the forsaken house. And if he had money. If his family were truly intending Sirius to court, then how could they ever see that happening when they trapped him and removed all power that he had that would seem appealing? It was all cavalier. He was so backed into a corner that making amends with Regulus had happened and they were on good terms. Until Sirius would try and coerce Regulus to help him leave then Orion would be alerted.  
Marlene knew a marriage wasn’t going to happen but Sirius was a peculiar person and it was like a book coming to life. Even if he died of natural causes or was killed Marlene could still imagine him trying to walk out of the door. 

Why were they still trying? What was the point? He was the eldest, she reasoned and that still held weight in the upper class and Marlene had heard the rumours. She wasn’t stupid. She was wasting her time. She knew that but she didn’t want to think about how they would treat Sirius if she refused and left of her own accord. Marlene hadn’t seen Sirius that day since he had eaten and he had cut the fancy, dried fruit loaf on the table so finely that Marlene almost felt uncomfortable from the glares that Warburga gave them both like it was Marlene’s fault too. Warburga had cornered Marlene several times and told her about the disturbing history of the family and how women, and men had suffered when disobedient and Marlene knew it was a threat. For her, and Sirius both.

She decided to leave. She always felt hot inside the Black Manor. She saw a woman she vaguely recognised waving her down. Her stomach protruded like a really round pimple and the lady’s hands were balanced on it lovingly. Marlene wondered if the hands ever left the stomach. They seemed like the hands that wouldn’t. They were too kind. Marlene didn’t like the thought of being pregnant and hoped she never would.   
“Hello--?”Madeline opened her mouth like a goldfish when she realised where she knew the lady in front of her. “Madeline! I know now! Yes, of course! How are you getting on?”  
“Oh, fine! Fine!” Madeline looked down at her belly once. She wasn’t going to be fine but that’s not why she was there. “Me and my husband” she blushed at the word. “-we want to help Mr Black escape and we have some plans.”  
“Why would you do that?” Marlene asked. She didn’t want to let guard down and she didn’t know if Madeline knew the things that Marlene did.  
“Why wouldn’t we?” Madeline said. Kindly again. Marlene wished she could sound as saintly.   
Marlene sighed and thought back to the words that Warburga pulled her into corners to talk about. She had always hated the dark. She was an only child and her parents were never around s relied on maids. The maids had invited over some men and Warburga had been playing outside in a hatch in the ground. She didn’t know what it as for but to a little girl it was hers to decorate to her heart’s content. So, it had been her favourite place. She distinctively remember it being the evening and one of the maid’s came outside with her lover.  
“This is ‘er! She whines so much and has nothing to whine about” The maid slurred. Her lover had bright red, rounded cheeks that Marlene remembers looking at.  
“Needs to be taught a lesson, dusn’t she?” the man replied and took the ladder out and slammed the doors shut. It was dark, and Marlene had been alone and that’s why being alone in the dark with Warburga messed with her mind so much. “Can we go somewhere more private?” she asked Marlene and so off they went. Marlene hoped one day she wouldn’t have to be private about anything. 

Remus was in Scotland. He didn’t know if it was any better London but Sirius had to have chosen it for a reason. The air was polluted but not overpoweringly so. James Potter bid him a wave and Remus waved back. He should get to it, he supposed. Sirius had his old gloves in Sirius’s suitcase. They made him feel stupid and Remus knew how cold hands could get in the winter. So although Sirius thought that he was giving them to Remus it wasn’t true. Remus had kept them to give to Sirius later. But it was almost winter and now Remus was in Scotland so he needed them. He followed the signs for lodgings.

He walked and the landscape was completely different. He passed a woman with a mass of skirts who was sweeping the streets like it had insulted her with fierce strokes. Remus tried not to get in the way and he smelt a waft of a scent he wasn’t used to. He could look. He didn’t have to fight for survival so could afford to source the smell out. It led him to a small shop opposite a tavern. The word ‘Coffee’ was advertised on the front. He liked the spicy, bitter feeling of the scent as it travelled through his lungs. His ears seemed to pop as a boy no older than eight bellowed words at him. “Edinburgh Gazette sir? Only 5 scents, sir.”  
Remus took one and paid the boy. So this how it felt to be able to pay a newspaper. Everything continued to be new for him. He lingered around to read it. A newspaper was more up to date than a book and it was strange having access to the current thoughts of the people around him. He learned the best spots that people were migrating to and also the complaints of conservative men. One side would be advertising a telegraph. Remus knew what that was now. And another would be full of world crises. It was a marvel and Remus wanted a newspaper every day. Should he migrate? Could he? He didn’t know and he wished Sirius was there to help him make sense of what he was meant to do.  
Remus found a place to live more easily than he expected. The promise of money he had performed wonders. He had been turned away only once because of his untrustworthy identity and not seeming all that believable. He wanted no servants and that really did confuse them but Remus had a house to his name. His actual name. How they could be done in only a day was a whirlwind and Remus cursed Sirius for having had it so easy. When his head hit the pillow he was knocked out until twelve hours later the next day.

The sun was bright and Remus couldn’t ignore it anymore. He could hear a milk trolley making the rounds and kids running and screaming at each other in thick Scottish accents. It wasn’t as good as a knocker-upper wake-up. Or so, he’d heard. The bedding was soft and not familiar yet. He eyed the address on a piece of paper next to him and he decided to write a letter informing James Potter from the train about what had happened, asked for advice and sealed the letter. Remus hesitated before writing a quick letter to the church back in London. Sirius may go there eventually.   
“There’s no harm in trying.” He murmured to himself before getting up. His legs ached. Time to get moving. 

Marlene sat with Madeline when they found a quiet teahouse in a different part of London. Marlene still didn’t feel safe there but it was better. She studied Madeline as she sang to her bump as she read the menu in front of her. Marlene didn’t want anything and wanted to get down to business. “What are your plans to get Black out of here?”  
“We have a few.”  
“Pick one, if you may.”  
“Well…” Madeline bit her lip. “What is it like in there? Is there really somebody from the family there at all times?”  
“Yes…”  
“Peter is a really good decoy. He used to…” she lowered her voice to a hush. “Steal things sometimes. He doesn’t anymore but he can steal a person if he wanted to. You need to ask him for the details.”  
Marlene liked the thought of helping Sirius leave. She really did. Could she trust these people to perform the task and have it work? Marlene had heard Sirius throwing things around and badmouthing Pettigrew a few times but she wasn’t going to mention that to Madeline. Unless she already knew.  
“I will need to take this to Sirius first and discover what he thinks about it.”  
Madeline made a noise which meant showed to Marlene that Madeline had seen how poorly Sirius could react to things.  
“It’s the only way this is going to work.”


	14. Chapter 14

Remus Lupin had become too comfortable in himself, it seemed. Portraying yourself as a man of means without being trained was difficult. Somehow he wished there was a magical school that could have prepared him for this. He didn’t socialise and that was a red flag to neighbours where he currently resided. James Potter had come to visit and he was clearly a social being deep in his heart and Remus wanted him to teach him the bare minimum of what he could do to get rid of suspicion.  
“You are worrying over something doesn’t need to be worried about. They may stare but nobody messes with someone with money.”  
“I don’t have that much. I’m a sheep in wolves clothing.”  
“Isn’t it meant to be the other way around?” James adjusted his spectacles. “But there’s no denying that you need to have yourself some fun!”  
“Let’s go to a Séance. I haven’t been to one myself but I’ve heard they’re great fun.” Remus could instantly tell that James was not a supernatural or a god-fearing man like ninety-nine percent of the population. Remus saw him more as a seeker of experience".  
"I'm not a fan of the morose."  
"Sometimes we need to see what we're not a fan of. And it will be fun."  
"Over Victoria's body. I will not be joining you."

James had tricked Remus into going by suggesting he show him the city's library. That didn't mean Remus didn't have a book out of it. It just happened to be about communication with the dead. The seance was being hosted in somebody's quarters and Remus had only walked through the door because a couple were trying to get in behind him. He mumbled curse words to himself and took a seat next to James. 

There was an actual medium! In real life! Remus did feel an infinity for the way seances helped with grief but he didn't like the exploitation, and the deception. The medium's beard was thick and curled at the bottom and he was mostly balding. Remus focused on that to keep calm.

James whispered to him "Weren't you poor anyway? Wouldn't you lap this stuff up? You must have seen a lot of death?"  
"Thank you, James."  
"I am merely saying."  
Remus really needed God's servant right now. Whatever Sirius was doing right now, he was sure it couldn't compare. 

Sirius had been doing something unmentionable and after he had finished he had collected a book that he had asked Marlene to get for him. Sirius didn't read often but he wanted to see the court noted of a trial he was interested in. He recalled the name because his father had laughed about the arrest a year or so back. Simeon Solomon. Marlene had found a book on him but not the one he was expecting. He opened it a random page and it fell open on a printed copy of a painting of two women sharing a kiss. 

He was shocked. Not because of the act. He was guilty of the same but the alarming openness. He had to close the book for a minute and he paced the room. His father had no idea what he had given Sirius by just laughing and Sirius laughed in almost an identical way. He opened it again when there was a knock on his door and Marlene entered. 

The saonce was going being normally than Remus expected. The medium honed in on the women and asked them about their losses and the room had been full of tears ever since. The table was big but Remus felt so close to everyone that he felt the wetness of tears on his face as he listened. He turned to James who looked bored but perked up a bit when the medium started to talk about the process that was coming up. 

James raised his hand. "I lost someone!"  
Remus could tell James was lying. "...my son..." He said, uncertain of what his words were going to be before he said them. The medium nodded. "It is possible we may reach him today. And you?" The medium suddenly turned to Remus, impatient. Remus imagined that the medium had a lot of spectators and not contributors and had grown tired of them. Remus decided to tell the truth. "I have lost someone too." The women made noises if sympathy as he spoke and he tried not to look at them.

The medium didn't speak for a moment. Everybody held hands in a circle like he had instructed and Remus felt butterflies in his stomach like they were stick and couldn't get out. "A…mother is reaching out to me." The medium murmured. "A modest woman. Hmm. She won't speak. It feels as though she just wants to be here."

Remus trembled. It meant nothing. It was a broad description. "Little goat..." The medium breathed, his voice altering slightly. Remus couldn't believe what he was hearing. Visions and memories he didn't know he had rushed back to him. Little goat..little goat. He was a baby, he felt a comforting stroke in his cheek. "Little goat, my beautiful lamb". Running around his mother in circles as a toddler getting caught up in his mother's skirt and almost getting run over by a cart being pushed "Back careful, little goat!" ...Remus in the middle of a church, hurt, by an organ, his most prominent memory. His mother had calmed him by singing a nursery rhyme and altered the song to include the words "Little goat."  
"Get me out of here." Remus breathed to James, losing air and collapsing before James could.

Remus woke up to a sea of "tut"s and "tsk"s and he looked around feebly. James had told Remus after that he had if he had woken up any later then something bad would have happened. They had thought him possessed. Remus couldn't think of them. He could only see goats in his mind.   
"What was all that about?" James sounded shaken.  
"Nothin', at all. I was reminded of my mother."  
James nodded and did not push for more information. Remus started to walk without James's assistance when he felt feeling in his feet again and he noticed a rip in the waistcoat Sirius had gifted him. This is what he got for wearing it constantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the painting that Sirius was looking at in this chapter that reminds him of himself and Remus. I really loved researching something that would really portray them and I loved this. The painter and how he is said to have painted homoerotic yearning was just perfect and Sirius being able to find that out was obvious to me that that would be the case  
> http://www.tate.org.uk/art/artworks/solomon-the-moon-and-sleep-t01719


	15. Chapter 15

Marlene sat down beside Sirius on the regal sofa located in his room. “It’s nice to see what’s in here.” She noted.  
Sirius didn’t reply and meant for her to continue.  
“Before I have this conversation with you I need to be quite sure that this outcome is completely impossible.” She undid her bonnet at her chin and her hair fell out in waves and she looked Sirius Black square in the eyes. Sirius sensed what was going to happen and he felt sullen. Sirius never felt sullen. Marlene was definitely sad as she reached for Sirius’s face. In her world, she had always imagined being kissed the other way around but she needed to do it for her sanity. Her lips met with Sirius’s and his mouth opened slightly in return. She felt herself tingle inside. It made her sad because she could see herself getting used to the feeling. Before it deepened, Sirius stopped it. He took Marlene’s hands off from his face. “It isn’t a possibility for me Marlene. It won’t ever be.”  
Marlene expected that but it was a good reward for all that she had done for this insufferable boy. “That does mean that I need to tell you about our plans on how to get you out of here.”

When Marlene left, Sirius had hit his bed’s headboard in excitement which turned to feelings of anxiety. He had planned to escape in any case but having more people than himself involved put more people in danger. Dinner was served was plum pludding and Orion Black looked pretty pleased with himself despite the fact he had never part in making anything that was served. Sirius tucked into the pudding with vest to the words of Warburga boasting to the guests. “Plum pudding, and it’s not even Christmas!” she conferred and Sirius couldn’t help snorting. That was a bad move.  
“Oh, it slipped my mind.” Warburga stood and dinked her glass for attention. “I have an announcement to make. My eldest, Sirius and his fiancée Marlene have set a date to be wed.” Marlene dropped her spoon. “December 25th!” She declared brightly and sinisterly all at the same time.   
Sirius returned to his quarters without a word to Marlene. He couldn’t face it. It was already November, and December was drawing near. He opened the book he had left by his seat and he got onto his bed and he noticed a painting right at the back of the book. His heart pumped painfully and his skin felt like it was on fire. “The moon and sleep” It was called. Sirius touched the page. It reminded him of Remus and himself and the likeness and meanings they had attached to the moon was even stronger. The man in the picture had hair that was longer than Remus’s but it really was striking. Sirius fell asleep with the book sitting in his arms.

Remus bid farewell to James. They would see each other soon and it was freeing to have a kinship of some kind. It made him all the more hopeful for friends in the future. Having James as a friend reminded Remus of Peter Pettigrew and he wished he knew how they were getting on. If only he knew where they lived and then he could reach them. He had thought about leaving ads somewhere but it was all too circumstantial. Remus imagined Madeline’s bump and how it might have grown. He worried about the birth and he worried about Peter if Madeline couldn’t survive it. Remus had a meeting that day. He planned to have his house divided so that he could loan the second part to people who needed it. He wasn’t going to do that the normal way either. He needed the income so he couldn’t put people up for free but he was going to make sure he found a family that couldn’t usually afford it.

He hadn’t meant to make the newspaper with that decision but he kept making decisions that were starkly different to everybody else. It was good in one sense that it meant that maybe Peter and Madeline would catch wind of it down in London but Remus was simply too far away for that to be true. He exchanged letters with James often who making the trip from London to Scotland on the train route would mean that Remus got a different stamp every time. James had offered to look for Peter and Madeline when he gets a chance to stop off in London. Remus had written “It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.” But James did read a lot of Sherlock Holmes.   
James Potter liked London. There was always something to catch his eye. He liked taverns even more and would spend the night at various pubs along the east of London and beyond. He found himself in The Nag’s Head in the middle of November. He was looking for some good rum and not anything else. He planned to really push in the search for Remus’s friends the following day. He sat next to a woman who was freckled like the gods have touched her thousands of times. Her hair was floated in a golden, reddish river that James almost found himself leaning forward to look at. 

“Hullo-“ James was already sweating and had to adjust his spectacles and wipe his forehead nervously.  
The woman ignored him. “Hullo!” He proclaimed, slightly louder.  
“I can hear you.” She sighed. James looked at where the woman was looking and it was at the piano where a pianist was performing and people surrounded it, clapping to the music.   
“You’re a bricky girl.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“Confrontational. It refreshes me like a bunch of flowers.”  
“Then you’re never going to believe this. I’m called Lily, now leave me be.”  
“You must be the nag of the nag’s head, then?”  
Lily looked angry and moved stools away from him. James had found the comment rather funny and thought it might be endearing. And he suddenly liked being told off by her. He swallowed another mouthful of rum and he asked her to dance with him.

Remus received news from James that he was seeing someone. It was splendid news and pure of James to confide in him. James really seemed smitten. But Remus was afraid this would make the search less of a priority. Remus had lodgers now. They were pleasant enough and always treated him far too politely like he was going to kick them out at any given notice. He brought them bread and jam to relieve them of that stress but he didn’t know if it made a bit of difference.   
It was only a month to go until the wedding and Marlene had been taken to look at dresses. The boutique where she had been taken also supplied funeral attire and Marlene thought that is what she should be wearing. She would be ruined and might as well be dead if the marriage would happen and then left.  
“If the marriage goes through we could fake your death and I could be a widow! That wouldn’t be so terrible” she told Sirius.   
“That’s not a bad idea.” Sirius was agitated too. The wedding was getting too close. He wanted to retreat to the church more than ever. He might even get down on his knees and pray if that’s the only way he could get there. The wait for Peter had been extended because he had been having problems with his back and it was affecting his job as a sweep. But they had chosen a day. He had to leave the house to be fitted with a suit for the wedding and Orion was going to meet him there instead of going with him. Sirius would be escorted but it was a perfect opportunity.

Lily had agreed to help James with his quest. James had been surprise and overjoyed to learn that Lily attended university. Many men would have a problem with that but it made James feel lucky to be with someone as unique as her. Lily claimed to have heard of Madeline and knew the general area where she lives.   
The air was getting crisper as winter was starting to tighten its hold on Scotland. Remus had made it outside just to be part of it. Snow was starting to fall and it seemed to spin in the air. He let the snow land and settle in his hair. New scents were starting to fill the air. They came from houses mainly where home cooked meals were at their best this time of year. Winter and snow had never been a positive thing for Remus as a peasant child. It meant the struggle of just trying to survive the night and he worried about the people around him right that moment who had nowhere to go. Remus knew he was going to love December but it didn’t erase the bad taste that it left in his mouth.

The city was truly soft in the warm glow of street lights and Remus watched as they were lit. He had been watching that happen since he was a child. He was always fascinated by the precision and it was easy to tell the time of day that way. Now he mainly watched to pay respects to those memories and because it really set the scene and set a light in his heart that he needed to be there. The tenant’s children were sat on the stairs with their marbles they were playing with falling down the steps in a race. Remus smiled and was going to wait for them to finish before he walked past.  
"Ave a go, sir!"   
"Yeah, sir! It's easy!"  
Remus stepped forward. "Who am I playing against?"  
"Yerself, sir! You haven't won any championships yet!"  
Remus chuckled, sat on a stair and nudged his marble down the stairs. It wasn't smooth but it managed to reach the bottom and that was all that mattered to the young boys who laughed and ran after it as it rolled down the hallway. He realised he was being watched.

"Mrs Walters- are you well?" Remus asked cheerily and the freckled woman nodded while bouncing the baby she had recently gave birth to in her arms.  
"And the little one?"  
"Growing like a fresh peach, Mr Lupin."  
Mrs Walters walked a little too close to him and Remus smiled. "That's good to hear. As always, let me know if there is anything you need."

He made his way upstairs. When had he become the bearer of gifts to give? It was odd and odder still that Mrs Walters looked for adultery in him. It was a price of being a noticeable bachelor and he hoped Mrs Walters would find what she needed. Although, he suspected, she might not ever. Remus sat down on his gilded chair like the fraud he was (or felt he was). "Ouch-" he had sat on something. He reached into his pocket and found a marble there. He looked up at it closely and held it close to the rooms light. He could tell why the boys were enamoured by them. They felt like precious stones carved into circular perfection.

Apparently Madeline and Peter had met people that knew Remus. This had made Sirius the happiest man on earth. Mr Potter was noble enough to be allowed through family doors and now it was just a waiting game. Sirius looked in Marlene’s vanity mirror and noticed lines around his hairline.   
“I’ve aged double the rate I should be since I’ve been away from Remus. I’ll be on my deathbed by the time I get to him.” He spoke dramatically and Marlene listened, empathetically.   
“You haven’t and you needn’t worry.”  
Sirius gave Marlene a look of deep darkness and concerned, Marlene reached for some scream. “Use this if it bothers you that much. I do not need because I am perfect.”  
Sirius scoffed and dabbed a small amount on his hand. Or at least, he tried and it ended covering all of his hand. Marlene winced at the amount of money that Sirius was holding. Sirius put some of it on his face and Marlene helped him rub it in.  
“What would you do without all of us?”  
“The same things!” Sirius protested. “Although I probably would have been caught if I was alone in this.”  
That was an understatement. “You would have rushed everything and achieved nothing.”  
Sirius pretended like he had never been more hurt in his life but there was some reality in the hurt. Sirius threw some cream at Marlene and it made him feel better immediately.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to give a warning that this chapter gets a little dark and contains conversation of rape. If you are triggered by this then I won't mind if you skip this chapter and I would be happy to give you a summary.

The day had come where Sirius was going to meet James Potter. Even if just for a good interaction. Marlene had told him all kinds of things about James’s character and they sounded similar in an unending list of ways. James arrived in a thick coat but an unkempt appearance but he gave off the aura that he couldn’t care less. Sirius shook his hand and they departed to the drawing room where Sirius felt ravenous with questions.  
“How do you know Remus? Did he stay where he was? Is he alright?” his words came out in a pulp of estranged panic Sirius had kept deep inside. James gave Sirius a clap on the back and laughed in a way that wasn’t mean, “Slow down, my friend. Have you got any whiskey around here?”  
“Why?” Was this man really using this as an opportunity?  
“Because I like whiskey. Don’t you, man? And it leads me to the first clue and answer…” James found a bottle and removed the cork like an expert. Sirius felt glee that Orion had been saving that one for the wedding. “Which drink is native to Scotland?” James concluded triumphantly.   
“He is still there!” Sirius jumped up and tap danced around James and took the bottle from him and took a swig first. Finally Sirius had something to go on. James had told him all he knew about Remus, the way they had met and the letters that had been sent back and forth. Sirius was glad that Remus had been lucky to find a friend but felt jealous that he hadn’t been able to experience Remus as he was now. Sirius knew Remus and he knew the fear that man had under the surface at all times. That is why Sirius had made a promise since meeting him that he would always be the stark opposite of fearful. He hadn’t been completely keeping his promise. But he felt more like himself now than he ever had.

Remus started to carry the marble wherever he went. “Some people get a dog and I choose a marble.” He murmured to himself as he walked through the library. Remus was looking for a specific book and it was proving hard to find. He found it eventually in an area that didn’t look well used. Remus found a table. He placed the book in front of himself and dust filtered from the cover and made Remus cough before opening it. It was a book on poverty, and after he finished that book he moved onto one about orphanages. Remus wrote notes but he had never been great a  
t writing. But he did note down made sense to him. It was like a secret language and he realised it was now a good way of preventing others from reading it.  
Remus had been having plenty of dreams in between ones of Sirius. They were of fixing up an orphanage. Remus knew of one nearby and he wanted nothing more than to give the children a good chance at life. A chance he had not had until adulthood. Most books were negative and gave hard, difficult facts that Remus already knew and made it difficult not to stop and breathe. There wasn’t really a manual that existed on how to run an orphanage although not many people ran orphanages in the way that he wanted. Maybe he would go directly to some. That was a plan, and it would keep him busy.

Remus put the books back. Maybe people don’t read this sort of material for a reason. It was dark and it was depressing but it was important. Remus started to daydream of Sirius behind him and making fun of all of the book titles and Remus could almost feel Sirius’s hot breath on the back of his neck and his hands resting on his hips. Remus thought of all of the ways he and Sirius hadn’t held each other yet and it was a thought that made Remus feel morose. He still had hope.  
Plans for the wedding of Sirius and Marlene were being made around Sirius and he had never felt so passive but all of his energy was being directed towards the plan. Sirius even made sure to smile about it around the house and he loved how dumbfounded his family would be. Potter had taken a lot of time off his job so the plan would take place on his next day off. Sirius had named James as his best man and Warburga had denied it at first.   
“Who even is this man?”  
“It’s Mr Potter! You’ve met him many times! You must be losing your wits”  
“Yes, I would never forget a face like yours, Mrs Black”  
It had been allowed in the end just because time was running out but Warburga wasn’t happy about it. Why wasn’t Mr Potter married either? Marriage was not an option and she did tire of seeing men treating it like it is. Every now and then Warburga would get images of Sirius with a man and she had started to see a priest because of it. To cast it out of her mind. Warburga remembered how her uncle had been forced to seal marriage with the woman he was arranged with. Warburga was sure that her father had been stood over them and making sure. The rumours were that uncle had been in love with a different woman and the way Warburga had heard him cry that night reminded her of the weakness of men in her family in recent history. The weakest being her son. She wasn’t against bringing these methods back if need be. She opened Orion’s office door to propose the idea.

Marlene was terrified. Warburga had come to her and told her that she would like for her to seduce Sirius before the wedding night. Warburga wasn’t too virtuous but even that was too far for her. She wanted her virginity to be taken by somebody who loved her. She had said nothing and had listened to the forceful procedure they would take if Marlene didn’t do as they asked. Marlene wanted to leave the house and confide in Madeline but she wasn’t permitted. Sirius could tell something was wrong. Sirius stood outside her door and heard crying from the inside. He knocked twice. That is how they knocked to tell the other who was on the other side.  
Marlene didn’t want to tell him to come in but she had to. “Come in” she started to cry again as she said the words and Sirius walked inside.

“Is your skin finally wrinkling? That would upset me too. It already had. I am turning into an elephant as we speak.” Sirius, joked attempting to wipe the tears from her eyes. He heard the door being locked from the outside and Sirius fell silent and all that was heard was the pants of Marlene trying to breathe properly from the crying. Sirius felt limp. He knew what this was. He heard stories. It was something more evil and sinful than anything he had ever done with Remus. Sirius was so closed off that he didn’t feel Marlene as she pulled him onto her. Their heads banged together and Sirius swore and Marlene cried more. “I’m sorry. We need to do this.” She reached for his trousers and Sirius immediately felt pain where she touched. Marlene’s movements were panicked and she was covered in snot. Her hair was frizzy from where she had cried on it and slept on it accidentally. And Sirius touched it now. “No, we don’t.”

He got up and he felt her fingernails dig into him. “But it couldn’t hurt, could it? I’ve done so much for you. I’m not going to survive around them if you don’t do this. Please.”  
Sirius’s shoulders felt heavy and he tore away from Marlene and pummelled his fists into the door. “I’ll have sex with my wife when I want not when my fucking wench of a mother wants!” Sirius could hear his mother shrieking back. “YOU WHORED YOURSELF OUT TO THAT MAN AND NOW YOU CAN WHORE YOURSELF BACK INTO SHAPE WITH HER!”  
Sirius was just glad Marlene wasn’t the one being called a whore. Sirius’s fearlessness came back to bite him. “YOU HAVE BEEN WHORING YOURSELF TO FATHERS FRIENDS SINCE YOU MARRIED HIM!” His cousins burst open the door and pushed past Sirius to Marlene who they began to undress and she started to scream. They pinned her down and Warburga walked in “Do your duty as a man and I will forget all about this.” Marlene bit one of the men holding her down and chaos ensued. Sirius hit out at another and all he saw was black.  
Every part of Sirius’s body hurt. Today was the day but he didn’t know how there was a hope in hell that he would be getting out after yesterday’s events. Warburga was mad. He had always known it but he never imagined that she would reach the lows that she had. Their family was known to be psychotic. His grandfather had used to torture and experiment on the poor in his basement and he was sorry that he had not believed it true. He had not wanted to. Marlene. Sirius was filled with dread. What if she was dead? He hadn’t protected her. Before he could shout out her name Sirius caught his younger brother Regulus carrying Marlene around his shoulder with her suitcase in his hand.   
“I-“ regulus stumbled on his words expecting to be thrashed by Sirius. Sirius was looking at Marlene who was severely beaten and her eyelids were purple. She looked at Sirius even though it was difficult and she smiled and she held out her hand and he held it. He looked at Regulus again who Sirius knew hadn’t carried out the beatings. Sirius knew that Regulus knew that Regulus could afford to take her to a safe place and The Blacks would assume Marlene had run. Sirius had never had much respect for his timid, younger brother who looked so much like himself. Were Regulus and Marlene in love? Had he been that blind and self-absorbed that he had not noticed? Sirius gave Marlene’s hand a gentle squeeze and she squeezed it back. None of them blamed the other and Sirius was overwhelmed with the strength that Marlene had shown throughout the whole ordeal.   
“I will see you soon.”  
“Make sure you do.” Marlene wheezed, and she trembled as she reached into her pocket nobody knew she had on her dress. She put the cream Sirius liked so much into his hand. Warburga probably thought that Marlene had failed at her job and purpose. But Warburga could never understand. Marlene had been the best friend that she could be under the circumstances and that had been her true job. Sirius’s eyes prickled with anger at everything that had happened as he watched her being carried away to safety. Sirius felt like it felt to be Remus and to have to carry around emotional baggage wherever he went. James Potter and Peter Pettigrew arrived shortly after.


	17. Chapter 17

It was getting closer to Christmas and Remus Lupin was in his element. He had found some friends who shared the same ideals about orphanages as he did and they wanted him to be involved. Remus had expected that he would have to save in able to purchase one but there were people who were willing to fund the efforts. And he was now at the Christmas gala. The fireplace crackled and towards the end of the night he had been sat at the children’s table creating Christmas cards. Rich people had use for things that most people couldn’t afford to think about but it was really heart-warming. He had started to make his when a little girl beside stuck some trim to the outline of his card.

“Choice well made.” He had laughed and it was nice to feel merry once in a while. His new friend who shared his ideals the most was Frank Longbottom who ushered Remus over for a toast. Remus picked up a glass and put the Christmas card in his pocket. Mr Longbottom cleared his throat. “A toast – to the new century slowing approaching us! A century where we hope no child will be malnourished. And I would like to add an extra toast to everybody who has recently joined us especially Remus Lupin. A more hands-on man that I have ever met dedicated to the cause.” Remus deflected the praise but rose his glass in the air in appreciation.

Remus hummed to himself on the way home. It was a song that had been sung at the party and Remus felt braver as he approached his house to sing under his breath. He resonated with some of the lines and he skipped some of the words as he sang.

_Came up to the wond’rous sights of famous London town_

_Just a week I had of it, all round we’d roam_

_Wasn’t I sorry on the day I had to go back home?_

_\--_

_Oh! Mr Porter, what shall I do?_

_I want to go to Birmingham_

_And they’re taking me to Crewe_

_Send me back to London as fast as you can_

_Oh! Mister Porter, what a silly girl I am!_

Sirius was glad to see his friends. They harped on a lot at each other and Sirius was jittery with impatience.  
Peter sighed. "Why should Black take a boat when you can smuggle him onto a train?"  
"I don't have a problem with it but Lily does! I could very well lose my job."  
"I'll take the blasted boat. I just need to get there."  
James Potter could tell how energy less Sirius Black was and they made their journey to the nearest docks. Boats were now in front of them.  
Peter stopped and grabbed Sirius's hand to shake it. "I have to stop here but Madeline and I are always going to consider you as a dear friend and please, please call on us if you are need of anything again. Madeline would like you to keep in touch."  
Sirius regarded Peter. The man who had been responsible for some things that had happened but there wasn't any animosity. Sirius knew that it was himself that had set everything up to go wrong in the first place by being who he was. "And you, Pettigrew." Sirius turned to James. "Are you stopping here too?"  
"Nah. I would never. I need to see you across that sea or Remus will kill me. And I would never leave a close friend"  
"You don't look like the type!" Sirius joked and James hit him on the head in jest.   
"Alright. I would never leave a girlfriend. My friends can get scurvy and I wouldn't bat an eyelid"  
Sirius laughed harder and nudged James's knees. "Time to get your sea legs on!"  
  
Once on the boat Sirius could tell how cold the next few day or so was going to be. His breath clouded around him and people huddled under the deck for warmth. Sirius had expected more waves to thrash into the wood but it was mostly peaceful.  
James perked up. "Let's hope we don't crash into the loch Ness monster. She is a woman scorned..." Sirius howled with laughter and suddenly felt very, very seasick.   
  
The more that the freezing temperature sank into his chest the more Sirius thought of Remus. Remus's hands were more warm than Sirius's hands were capable of and he bloody missed them. And Sirius was still on a poxy boat with poxy flies and babies crying. Maybe Remus had forgotten him, and moved on? Obviously Remus had sent James Potter but Remus's heart might not have been in it, It had been a while since James left. Sirius tossed and turned and ended up hitting his head on the corner of a suitcase and hissed in pain. He thought about shaking James awake to ask him questions but he knew the answers. It was just Sirius's doubt creeping in.

Sirius almost felt like a king or a stranded explorer who was making his way north. James had told him that Edinburgh was more stone than it was brick and James had quoted what he had read in a newspaper once about it being called “A modern Athens.” Who knew if he and Remus were going to stay there? But it sounded like a great place to spend their days for now. If everything went to plan. Would it all go to plan? Sirius was getting more and more nervous. James told to him walk it out above deck and Sirius made circles around the boat. A seagull caught the wind next to him and he pretended he was flying with it with his arms outstretched. He didn’t care if he was being watched. He wasn’t going to be under the thumb of posh twats any longer. Scotland was in sight and Sirius thought of all of the sweet things he had stolen from the kitchen before he left. It was all for Remus and it was the last defiant act he would make. For love? Sirius cringed inwards at the word. If he was going to use that word mentally it would have to be something he was one hundred percent sure of. And he was.

Remus had woken up extra early to beat the postman and he slipped his handmade Christmas card into the letterbox. It was Christmas Eve now and he was going to chance it and send the card to the Black residence. He had been careful not to include an address. Upon returning Remus had grabbed a blanket and had fallen asleep in front of his wood-burning stove. Sometimes, as weird as it seemed, he slept more soundly on a flat hard surface. It was just what he was used to.


	18. Chapter 18

Sirius and James had made it to land and Sirius stabbed his fingers into James’s shoulder in victory. “I’m here!” he strutted up towards the city. “Nobody can stop me now!”  
James laughed. “I’m glad it’s all over! I couldn’t handle either of you moping anymore! You have the address! Let me know when it’s safe to come over. I’m owed alcohol!”   
The magnitude of the situation really hit Sirius when James left. Edinburgh was certainly different from London. Hills, for a start. Sirius didn’t do hills but he would for Remus. The castle loomed in the distance and Sirius felt regal in its presence. His parents had attended a few balls there and they, perhaps, had felt the same way. Sirius tried to guess where Remus had found a home but he knew that Remus would have reduced costs that were possible. He was minutes away. His brain couldn’t take the suspense. It kept trying to register every man he walked past as Remus and Sirius kept having to stop in his tracks. Number eight. One….four…eight. Sirius was there.  
A man was leaving the house as Sirius approached. Sirius held onto a wall so not to collapse in shock. A man leaving Remus’s house. “Sirius Black- the jumper to all conclusions” Nymphadora had said to him before and he convinced himself not to jump to conclusions now. Sirius put his hand on the knocker, and knocked twice. Remus could hear the door being knocked on but he barely could process it. He heard the door open and he heard someone be welcomed but sleep still felt too good.  
Remus heard his door open and something felt different. Someone flew to his side at his level and Remus knew it was Sirius. Tears were leaving his eyes before he even opened them and he moved his arms completely around the skinny man jagging his elbows and everything he had into Remus. They cried into each other in a tight ball of two people. 

“I thought that was your new wife downstairs.” Sirius teased and Remus held him down.   
“That suggests that I have had multiple!” Remus quirked his eyebrow and pretended to let go of Sirius and even that was too long and too much for Sirius who pulled Remus back onto him.  
“I’m the only wife you need.” Sirius winked and Remus slammed his lips onto Sirius’s with a desperate need that had been crushing him since they parted ways. Remus wanted to ask Sirius everything but he couldn’t manage a word. All he craved was every part of Sirius that was physical. Every part of Sirius ached from the boat but touching all that he missed was his imperative. He wouldn’t have a problem with it if he never experienced sleep again.   
“Welcome to my abode, by the way” Remus smirked as if he was slipping into the shoes of a landowner with sacks of cash in every room. Sirius ran his finger along a shelf and opened pots without permission. That really turned Remus on and he hanged back in a corner watching as Sirius becoming engrossed in the room, and Remus’s life there.   
“This place suits you”  
“How on earth could a place suit me? I really doubt it, Sirius.”  
“If I was shown a hundred houses I bet all of the money I don’t have that I could pick this one out. I can see why it appears to you because I know you.”   
Remus could feel goosebumps developing on his skin as Sirius said the words 'know you'. It was peculiar. Being known. And he knew Sirius so well too. Sirius found the marble on the table and he was rolling it around like a big child. Sirius knew Remus was watching and he took his shirt off as he did it. Remus sat down on the table. He would play the game too just by watching Sirius. Remus's eyes were always too soft and now that they were full of fire made Sirius want to laugh, cry, and rip Remus's clothes off all at once. He rolled the marble towards Remus and he caught it with a swift movement and the side of Remus's mouth curled.

Sirius dug his fingernails into the table and he tried to hold his look of utter relaxation to throw Remus off but he felt himself sweat and he rarely did sweat. He couldn't take it anymore and Remus knew that. Sirius jumped up and threw the two men halfway through the room and ended against a wall. Remus faced the wall and Sirius backed into him. They both heaved with breathlessness at being together and they both undressed themselves in that position despite how hard they had made it for themselves.

An hour later they were back into each other’s arms and Remus was cradling Sirius lazily. "You need to try that some time. I'm not just the bell boy you can do that too and not have it back."   
"Do you read minds, Remus Lupin?"  
Remus laughed. "Only yours." Remus stopped and he listened to the silence and carols' he could hear being sang in the distance. "It's Christmas eve, you know."  
Sirius nodded. "Shit. Yes it is. And we're not even celebrating-"  
"It would feel like Christmas even if it wasn't because you're here."  
"Besides the point- Let us go out." Sirius saw the look on Remus's face. "Just for a moment." Sirius insisted.  
Remus rolled his eyes. "I'll get my coat, and a coat for you too. Speaking of that - you barbarian- no wonder you bloody freezed on that bloody boat!"  
"I didn't know you cared so much about the boat."  
"I was too busy shoving my tongue in your mouth to notice what you were wearing. And you sneaked up on me."  
"Sirius the sneaker is what they call me. Sneaker into undergarments Black."  
"I suppose you think you're sounding desirable right now, don't you?"  
"I know I am."

Remus felt his face turn red and he put on his heavy shoes. "A few minutes outside. That is all."  
Sirius kissed Remus square on the cheek and slipped his cold hand into Remus's trousers and clasped his behind. "Thank you, my keeper."  
Remus laughed and he sighed at Sirius's touch. "A curfew is a curfew."  
Sirius moaned at the words alone and Remus had to steady himself so he didn't fall over with laughter.   
"For someone who has been confined by rules all his life you wouldn't expect that to be your reaction."  
Sirius narrowed his eyes but they still twinkled with humour underneath that he was hopeless in hiding and he swept his hair out of his eyes with dignity. "Let's go out into the great outdoors, friend!"  
Remus whispered as they walked past his tenants part of the house. "Friend, my ass."  
"I'm already friends with your-"  
"Out. We're going out." He called to the family. "I'll be back shortly!"

Sirius almost slipped on the ice as they stepped outside. He was careful not to out his arm around Remus. They wouldn't get away with that at the early time that it was. No 'respectable' man would be drunk yet. The snow was still coming down, Remus noticed. It hadn't changed in the time Sirius had been there. When walked through a park and they left fresh imprints on the snow. Remus saw that Sirius was trying to treat his feet being stuck and walking through it as normal and natural to him.  
"London boy stuck in snow" Remus smiled. "Had to be saved by a veteran of Scottish life: Remus Lupin"  
"That isn't the full story" Sirius made it out of the hole he was in. "London boys shows extreme strength and saves himself..."

Remus walked faster and Sirius's true incompetence shined. Sirius almost fell in his face but he prevented it by using Remus's coat as a shield. It smelled of Remus so he stayed on the snow for a couple of extra seconds. Sirius called over to Remus to make him feel guilty as he began to plough through the snow. "London boy dies in the snow lost and lonely-"  
Remus laughed and didn't fall for it. He waited at the gates.   
“But that’s alright! Do you know why, my beautiful friend?” He used the word friend as revenge and exaggerated his words as he looked deep in Remus’s eyes. “You would look spectacular in grieving clothes.”  
Remus didn’t like that joke at all but he laughed gently. “You do not realise how much I have missed this.”  
Sirius stopped laughing and he touched the back of his hand with Remus’s. “You do not realise how much I’ve wanted to make you say that.”  
Remus exhaled at the light, caring touch. “You didn’t even need to try.”  
Both men seemed pleased and they walked into the main street as they reached it. 

“Wait here!” Sirius ordered and Remus watched Sirius as he departed into a shop. Remus didn’t know why he couldn’t follow but he looked at scarves to the left of him. He bought ten. He wanted to hand some out when they went back home. He went to stand by a bell player who rang bells in a deliciously Christmas way. Sirius was feeling equally as festive as he emerged with a box with string handles from a shop and stood behind Remus like they were strangers and so the heat could grow between them. 

They didn’t do much shopping after that and they walked through the winding streets together instead. The castle was cold, quiet and protruding in the snow.  
“Do you feel like a king?” Sirius asked Remus as close as he could get to Remus’s ear.  
“It would be quite something if anyone became a king just by walking by a castle.”  
“I didn’t say became I said feel.” Sirius was being bolder and put his hands around Remus’s waist. “Feel it.”  
“Alright stop that and I will.” He felt frantic but calmer as it was apparent Sirius wasn’t going to let him go until Remus felt something. Remus looked down from the hill and he could safely say that he never thought he would be there. Nobody who is born a king could predict their royalty either. Remus forced out words and rolled his eyes again. “I feel like a king!”

Remus felt light as they passed many people who tipped their hats. Christmas could do marvellous things to people’s spirits. Sirius wanted to stop at a quiet pub and they did. To their surprise there was free mulled wine with spices that felt like they were blowing Remus’s head off so he drank his attentively. Sirius was picking up on dialects already and he gave his best impression. “Ach, Remus! That is not enough” and he poured more into his cup. Remus drank a little too much and ended up wrapping one of the scarves around the barmaid but everybody was too jolly to care.

They left around 11pm and Sirius was singing into the air. “Silent nightttttt! Holy nighteeee! All is warm, all is bright” he wrapped his arms around Remus’s waist and Remus batted him off but would make it up to him later. The song resonated through Remus. His mother had sang it once. It was a few days before Christmas and had been at a shelter in Trafalgar square. Hundreds had been there and it had been like a community for once in his mother and his lives. It was special for his mother and the song reflected that. The song reflected that for Remus now and for the same reasons. Sirius was his community.


	19. Chapter 19

They made it home and Remus introduced Sirius to his bed after Sirius had asked him several times since entering.   
“This is it.”  
Sirius looked around. It was a master bedroom not all that different from his own back in London. It was neatly arranged as if Remus had been afraid of breaking it whenever he tidied it after waking up. Sirius went to walk closer to really see it properly and Remus grabbed his hand, stopping him. “Why are you always fascinated with everything trivial in my life?”  
“Because it isn’t trivial.”  
Remus’s hand tightened on Sirius’s as Sirius had attempted to look again.  
“Look at me. Look at me, please.”  
Sirius looked at Remus and it felt like the sun was being blasted onto his face. He put his hand on the side of Sirius’s face and stroked it. He felt a cut under his thumb and it alarmed him slightly but he wouldn’t say anything yet. They were both still slightly drunk and Sirius smelled like orange gloves – his mouth inches from his. “Merry Christmas, Moon.” The words vibrated on Remus’s lips and he closed his eyes as the vibration reached him down below. Remus held a bunch of Sirius’s hair and they went to Remus’s bed and Remus arched over Sirius.   
“Can I-“  
“Please fucking do.” Sirius hissed and laughed and they laughed together as they continued the night together.  
Remus woke up to the scent of tangy sweetness to the air. Sirius was no longer beside him and half of Remus wanted to panic. He put his feet to the wooden floor and he walked to the dining area. (He didn’t see the point of slippers.) Remus shared a kitchen with his tenants so he was suitably confused as he watched steam come out of the small pies on the table.   
“I’m not used to breakfast and even I know this is a strange one.”  
Sirius jumped and laughed. “It’s Christmas morning. Nothing is strange on Christmas morning. Take a seat.”  
Remus entertained Sirius’s request and sat. He rested his head on his hand and watched Sirius come over to join him. Remus took a pie. It smelled divine and it was far too rich to be in his hand.   
“Where did you get this?”  
“I convinced a shop owner to give me some…”  
“Convinced how?”  
“With wit”  
“Mustn’t have been you then…” Remus laughed as Sirius threw some pie at him.  
“Not supporting your Sirius’s talents – how cruel…”  
Remus laughed and sank his teeth into the crust of the pie and he licked his lips to gather more of the taste. “This is…very delicious. What is it called?”  
“Mince!”  
“Mince?” Remus grimaced. This wasn’t mince as he knew it. Mince they served at the workhouse had been revolting.   
“It used to have meat but they’ve changed that recently. These are much better!”  
“Thank god.”

Remus finished his plate and he didn’t know how Sirius was onto his third. Remus had to stand and walk to Sirius and press his lips into his hair. “Thank you.” Before Remus could take his plate down to wash, Sirius pulled him onto his lap and kissed him fully. Remus felt Sirius’s girth against him. “So soon?” he murmured into Remus’s lips. “I’m going to start having to make you wait.”  
Sirius produced the whiniest voice possible. “I can’t stop.”  
“It’s slightly worrying.” Remus said with a taunting tone and he deepened the kiss. “Although I guess, what else do people do on Christmas? Go to church? We’ve been there enough.”

Sirius stroked Remus’s ribcage with vigour and he reached into Remus’s trousers once again. It was Sirius’s turn to tease and he moved so Remus would move off him. “It’s time for gifts!” Sirius howled.  
“Gifts? You know I don’t like that.”  
“Does that mean you have nothing for me?” Sirius tried to sound wounded as he opened his suitcase still on the floor and brought out a small jar of pear drops, a small jar of what looked like round sugared coloured disks to Remus, a medium jar of chocolates and sugarplums.  
“Is it your intention to fatten me up, Sirius?”  
Remus held each jar. Each individual sweet was so beautiful. “I don’t know how you did this without money but thank you. I don’t even want to eat them. I’d like to keep them and just look.”  
“Don’t be silly, Remus. They’re there to be eaten or I will force feed or grind them into your food every day.”  
“They’re not your Christmas gifts. You do not have the authority.”

Sirius leaned back in his chair. “Fine.” He watched Remus toy with the jars as he opened and closed them and looked at the contents. Remus stopped and started to search for something. “I do have something for you.” It was a pile of letters that Remus had written in their time apart in which he explained what he was doing, how he was spending time and how he was feeling. He didn’t want them to dwell on it but he knew Sirius would want them. Remus felt that Sirius had been a lot worse off than he had. “I sent one to the church but I didn’t want to incriminate us both if someone found more than one and I only wanted to send them if you were going to receive them.  
Sirius was deeply curious to read them but the fact they existed was a better feeling. He wanted Remus to tell him everything himself but Sirius would probably read them in the future. Remus presented Sirius was a scarf too but Sirius already knew about that. He wrapped it around his neck. It was warm and cosy and Sirius vowed to wear it every day.

Lucy Walters couldn’t understand why two men upstairs above her were celebrating Christmas together. Where were their wives? Lucy hadn’t found Mr Lupin to be that strange being a bachelor. She respected men who didn’t want to be tied down however Mr Lupin having a friend who is the same way was a little suspiscous. Lucy still hoped that Remus was going to fall but her so ratting him out was against her interests. She watched her children run around her and knocking things over and she wished she was very, very far away.   
There was a knock on the door and Remus put on his dressing gown.

Sirius looked at him. “I hope you don’t mind that I invited James?”  
Remus’s face lit with surprise and happiness and opened the door. “James!” James was stood there with his arm around Lily. Remus could already tell that James had had a few drinks but he carried a big box with him. “Remus, I missed your face! This is my finance, Lily.”  
Lily turned to Remus. “He says fiancée but I’ve never said yes. How do you handle him?”  
“I have enough to handle with Mr Black around so I can always think of some tips.”  
Remus moved forward with the box to give Remus a hug. “She doesn’t need any tips. She wants to be married to me.”  
Lily shook her head and smiled and went to greet Sirius. She did but she wasn’t going to tell James that. James shook Sirius’s hand as he brought the box to the table and plopped it down. Sirius was already beginning to peak and noticed the bird inside. “I’ve brought us all a big, fat goose to eat!”  
Sirius opened the top. “That’s enough to share with downstairs.”  
Remus looked at Sirius with affection. “That would be nice if we could.”  
James pretended to look sad. “Half of it is mine! Tell them, Lily!”  
“Shush James!”  
Sirius picked up the box to take to the kitchen and Remus stopped him with a hand on his side. “I should do it.”  
“I warmed the mince pies earlier. You worry too much, Moon…”  
James started looking around the room. “Pies?”  
Sirius picked up a pie and threw it at James. James looked incredulous and threw one back. “Are you looking for a fight, Black?” James threw a pie back and Sirius disappeared downstairs, cackling.

“I think I’m going to go help him!” Lily announced and left Remus and James to catch up.  
“How was your time in London?”  
“London always calls me so it was good. Especially meeting Lily.”  
“By accident?”  
“Fate”  
Remus snorted. “I hope my mission didn’t bog you down too much.”  
“Nah. I’m always happy to help and I’m glad we were successful.”  
“You haven’t heard anything from the Blacks, have you?” wrinkles formed on Remus’s forehead as he asked the question.  
“I’ve heard that they’re angry but that isn’t news to you. I think it is best not to think about it. Here-“James handed Remus a Christmas card slightly bent from his pocket. It was from Peter and Madeline. Remus attempted not to cry at the sight of it. From being isolated from most of his time in Scotland to this was remarkable. He missed his friends deeply. Peter had done his best to sketch a highland cow and Madeline had included notes that Marlene was fine and was recovering. Remus shuddered. He didn’t know Marlene had been in any harm. Remus showed that part to James and he explained what had happened the best that he could.

Remus felt pale. He didn’t want to bring down the party but he felt responsible for what had happened to Marlene. Though, he knew it might have happened anyway. But his existence hadn’t helped. James noticed the change of mood and he made Remus give him a tour of the place. Sirius and Lily eventually returned with half the goose on the plate. The rest had been given to Lucy and that made Remus so happy. But it was tainted with darkness from the conversation he had with James and although Sirius was kissing his face and putting piles of goose on his plate and parsnips which had come from god knows where, Remus felt like his world was upside down. 

Lily asked Remus about books and Remus told Lily about his favourites and she wrote them down on a piece of paper. “I’m always looking for recommendations” she explained. Remus was a person who recommended things now and people around him listened. It was all so strange and it made him even more vacant. Remus began to drink quite often that night and ended up winning most card games from focusing his mind on them so much. At some point Sirius had pulled James aside and James had told him what Remus knew. But Sirius wouldn’t bring it up yet. 

James opened another bag. “I know you were both unprepared so you have nothing in return but I just want to say that both of your friendships are valuable enough to me and this is for mine and Lily’s appreciation of you.” Remus opened his and it was a model of a train. The same that had brought him from London to Edinburgh and a small figure with spectacles that goes inside. Remus had to laugh. It felt very expensive and Remus felt unworthy. He laughed again. “Of course. I like it a lot, James.”  
“Understandably.”  
Sirius opened his own present. It was a paid for process of changing last names that was legally binding. “How?”  
“I know people. They gave me the option just to change the name for you which really tempted me, believe me. But they need you for most of the process. You won’t run into any problems.”  
Sirius was taken aback. He hadn’t known this man long but he believed in the friendship that they had and it was the best of all that he had experienced excluding Remus. “FUCK! Thank you, you fucking sly dog!”  
“I suggest you call yourself Sirius the runaway”  
“I was thinking more Sirius Lupin”  
Remus bolted up. “You can’t and won’t do that.”  
“Why not?”  
“It’s too obvious.”  
“I could just be your brother.”  
“We look absolutely NOTHING alike, Sirius.”  
Sirius pushed his chair up to be right next to Remus’s and put his cheek on his. “All I would need to do is take some handsome pills and I would.”  
Remus didn’t want to argue and he feared he would lose. He rested himself against Sirius as Lily began to perform her action for the game of charades that had just started. The night ended with everybody pulling crackers together. Remus hadn’t expected the noise and it rattled him but being scared could feel good, he discovered. This particular cracker didn’t have a motto but a love verse:

"The sweet crimson rose  
with its beautiful hue  
Is not half so deep as my  
passion for you.  
Twill wither and fade,  
and no more will seen  
But whilst my heart lives  
you will still be its queen"

James and Lily left and Remus and Sirius had departed to bed. They still hadn’t decided which side was whose and Remus laid down on the right this time. Remus didn’t want to talk but Sirius wrapped himself around Remus like vines on a house. “It’s not your fault.”  
Remus closed his eyes at the knowledge that James had told Sirius. “Even if it isn’t fully my fault I am still a contributor.”  
Sirius almost sounded angry. “No! My parents were horrible people before I met you and they will be horrible people after! I promise you. I know them more than anyone.”  
“Poor Marlene…” Remus was finding it hard to live with and he struggled against Sirius. Sirius felt the same way and they held each other for the rest of the night to subdue their demons. Sirius left early in the morning to go and change his name. Remus wanted to go with him but he had meetings to do with the orphanage that day. He hadn’t even explained that to Sirius yet. He put on his best clothes and left the house he hadn’t wanted to leave in days.   
The date was set that a new building was going to be started. Remus felt disappointed. He wanted to improve an orphanage that was already standing but there were too many complications involved. It was a goal of his and Frank’s but it would need to be done after they give the example and then hold other orphanages to that standard. It was going to take more than a day for Sirius’s name to change but it felt promising to be in control. Sirius liked walking around Edinburgh especially now that he had Remus to come home to without the possibility of being caught. He knew Remus still saw danger but Sirius couldn’t even call it danger compared to before. He wanted to find a job again. Looking around Edinburgh gave him a chance to see what was on offer. Barber man? Interesting. Maybe. The music hall had an advertisement and he had put his name down regardless of what the job was.  
Sirius told Remus the news when he got home and Remus kissed him. “I hope you’ll be the one singing. I’d pay with my soul to see that.”  
Sirius hadn’t thought of that and arched Remus’s back so he could lean over him and Sirius lengthened the kiss. “I’d spend my soul for you to bring me flowers and kisses every night after I perform.”  
Remus laughed into the kiss. “Fat chance, Black.”  
“Lupin.”  
“Hold your tongue.”  
“I cannot for it is in your mouth!”  
“Black!”  
“Lupin! That’s my name!”  
They wrestled around for what felt like eternity and Sirius had managed to hold Remus down. He caressed Remus down below. “I won’t be singing but I can make you sing now.” Remus moaned as Sirius said it and scolded himself for doing so.  
“You’re insufferable.”  
“I know.”


	20. Chapter 20

James and Lily came calling again a week later. They heard that Sirius had acquired a job as an usher at the music hall who was also responsible for shouting out and advertising events in the street which suited Sirius a lot. James wanted to celebrate. Lucy Walters answered the door. She frowned but looked relieved to see them again. “Thanks, Lucy! You’re looking nice today! Lily commented. She liked to enter every place with positivity. James was already racing ahead. Sirius was naked when James entered. He covered his eyes. “Jesus Christ and Mary Sirius!”  
“Intimidated, Potter? You should be comfortable in your own skin not be jealous of mine”  
Remus ran out of the bedroom, embarrassed. “Sirius Orion get dressed or so help me”  
Sirius saluted and walked into the bedroom to find an outfit. James blocked the door to the protesting Lily before he was sure that Sirius was covered.  
Remus looked amused. “What do we owe for this visit?”  
“To celebrate Sirius’s employment we’ve booked us all into…”  
“Photographs!” Lily exclaimed, not being able to wait.   
Photographs? Remus didn’t even recognise the word but Sirius did. “James-Lily-“he kissed their heads. “What a fantastic idea!”  
“Is someone going to explain?”  
“It’s like a painting but more realistic?” James tried to explain.  
“It’s your exact likeness. They capture it” Lily added.  
“Right. “Remus decided. He scratched his head. “I’m not sure my likeness is meant to be captured. Where does it go?”  
“It’s just for us. It doesn’t go anywhere else unless you share it.” Lily spoke in a motherly tone.  
“I brought neckties to freshen you both up.”  
“How dare you insinuate we’re not perfect enough already, James!” Sirius raved and put on his necktie. Sirius threaded his into a bow. “Come on, Remus! Time is of the essence!”  
Remus looked at his necktie and Lily approached. “Here-let me help you.” 

Lily helped Remus with the tie. It made Remus feel regal and he didn’t like how it felt on his neck. But he would wear it for his friends and Sirius was enjoying looking at Remus a lot and Remus enjoyed looking at Sirius too. Remus imagined that Sirius used to spend money in the way that James did. Remus was glad of that reminder and so there was still a sense of familiarity for Sirius even though Sirius always protested that he wanted nothing to do with money.  
They left for the city centre in a carriage. Sirius rested his hand on Remus’s buttocks and it calmed Remus who was looking out of the window. The building they arrived at was unassuming for a business that was apparently booming. Sirius hadn’t had a photograph taken since his earlier days and photography hadn’t been as progressive as it was now. He thought of the photos that had been taken of him as a child. Stiff and emotionless. He wanted the photo today to look different.  
James had never had a portrait taken ever and he wanted one more than ever now that Lily was in his life. He wanted to immortalise her beauty and the way they were at this point of their relationship. James thought that Sirius and Remus probably assumed it would be a group photo but they were going to be in pairs. He didn’t tell them that for fear of Remus finding reasons that it wouldn’t be appropriate. But James had already thought of that. He had caught wind of a photography place that specialised in male portraits. 

James led the way. The photographer who was wearing a suit like the people in his photographs and a moustache greeted them primly. Remus and Sirius were going to go first. Remus couldn’t look more out of place as the photographer showed them the option of props but Sirius had it all covered.  
Sirius looked at the items and stopped at the piano already set up where photographs were taking. It reminded him of the organ from the church back in London. “I think we’ll go with this one. What say you, Remus?”  
Remus couldn’t argue with the logic. “Certainly, Sirius!” Then they were shown photo examples and Remus was deafeningly aware of the relaxed nature of the photos. It was as if some of them even seemed to share the proximity to each other that he and Sirius had. Remus had heard someone say recently that some men prepared for marriage by being with men and nothing more but these photos didn’t all share that truth. Remus didn’t want the photo to reflect too much information but the photos did seem normal although it was his first time seeing professional ones. He discussed it with Sirius under his breath and they decided to sit close together on the keys on the piano. The photographer moved their bodies to look more refined and Remus wondered how long they were supposed to stay like that. Remus’s posture wasn’t used to it.

Sirius’s body next to Remus’s comforted him and he kept wanting to turn his head to look at him. It was almost like they were being forced not to and the reality of that confronted Remus like a ton of bricks. It was true in a lot of ways. Yet, the longer they sat, the less that it mattered. This was cathartic for Sirius. They were out in the open. Sirius relaxed his face and Remus struggled to keep straight-faced. The photographer finally motioned to them that it was over and Remus rubbed his face to bring feeling back to it. Sirius grinned and copied him and then helped Remus rub his own face. Sirius picked up a chair and held it for Remus to sit on while they waited for James and Lily.  
Impressively James managed to hold a smile for five minutes but they had to start again because of it. Photography was an intriguing thing. Sirius wondered if it would ever be possible to have one at home. Oh, the photographs he would take of Remus. Especially if it took less time to take them, eventually the experience was over and they were told to collect the photographs in a week’s time.   
“You were a natural.” Remus combed his fingers through Sirius’s hair and Sirius flopped out his hand in disagreement.  
“You were. Not as much as James, I’ll grant you, but you were very good.”

Sirius crawled his hand up Remus’s chest and rested both of his hands on Remus’s shoulders.  
I wish I was a child so I could go to the orphanage you're making."  
"You're not an orphan, Sirius."  
"I might as well be. I would have set my parents on fire"  
"I'm a bit blurry on the rules but I'm not sure we would be allowed to accept murderers..."  
"You wouldn't even know! It would look like a tragic accident."  
"Fine. At least you would have good reason. I'd let you in. Don't forget that I didn't have a choice whether my mother died or not."  
Sirius kissed the lobe of Remus's ear. "I know."

They woke up in a tangle of limbs and Sirius could feel how hard Sirius was next to him but Remus had places to be. "To be continued." He laughed and tiredly shuffled away to dress himself as Sirius went back to sleep. He worked evenings so there was no need to wake up. 

Remus began to finding himself looking for orphans wherever he went. Remus had requested that the orphanage be built in a way that used space properly and didn't misuse it with items that aren't needed. If he was right, they would be able to take it at least twenty extra orphans by the time it was done and he was already configuring that they start finding a second one.  
"Don't be so hasty, my friend! I agree with your agenda but we need to fill the first one and account for any complications. Such as our relationship with the system if orphanages already."  
"Why would that matter?"  
Frank Longbottom didn't have an answer but Remus already knew. The existing orphanages would complain that there aren't enough children to go around but that wasn't true. He couldn't believe most people believed that. It was just a matter of pride and it meant nothing to Remus. 

Sirius was a hit in the streets of Edinburgh. He would sing, yell and flirt his way into selling tickets and he would do or say anything to entertain passers-by that couldn't afford tickets. He imagined they were Remus back before he met him.  
"Don't worry if you can't hear the music tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Let me sing for you instead." And he would. Vendors would give him free fruit but he would give it out himself. Remus caught Sirius doing that one day as he walked through the old town. He pretended not to know Sirius and let Sirius do his usual act on him.  
"How familiar are you with the music hall, Sir? You look very musical"  
"Do I?" Remus replied wryly, his eyes burning into Sirius's. "I'm not very familiar with them, no. I don't have time for music!" Remus wanted to perform his own dramatic flair.  
Sirius pretended to grasp and blocked Remus's way. "Everybody has time for music. Let this ticket change your mind. It only costs a guinea!"  
"I'd rather it cost a Bob."  
"I'll pass on the information."  
"Do." Remus wanted to touch Sirius's face but he couldn't do such a thing so publicly.

Remus wanted to bring back food that was already cooked. He browsed the many stalls which had pea soup and hot eels but he couldn't stomach either after living off scraps of those dishes for his early adult life. The smell was consuming and he would have been so eager to eat any of it. Remus settled on two penny pies and he took them home. Remus liked educating Sirius about street food but sometimes Sirius would tell him he'd already tried it as a knocker upper and regularly skipping family meals. 

"Hullo, Lucy!" Remus began as he noticed Lucy feeding her baby.   
"Hullo, Remus...is your friend staying for much longer? Only I noticed he works now. Is he saving for his own house, sir?"  
Remus felt suddenly sickly and confused about Lucy's questioning. "I don't care to ask, Lucy. He's my guest and I am prone to let someone stay as long as they need."  
"Make sure he ain't mooching off you!"  
If only Lucy knew it was the other way around. 

Sirius often forgot how long it had been that he and Remus were apart because everything worked like clockwork now. He would get inside the house, Lucy would give him a look and he would go upstairs.  
"Where would you move if you could? Remus, let's go. Anywhere. That Lucy is doing my head in..."  
Remus hadn't thought of that question. "I don't really know." But it sounded like a good idea for one reason. “Possibly. Do you think we’re being too open? Do you think your family will ever come after you?”  
“Maybe. I can see them being bored one day but they wouldn’t do it themselves. They would send someone else.”  
Remus looked alarmed and Sirius put his finger over Remus’s mouth. “They don’t have a first clue where to look.”  
Remus thought of the Christmas card he had sent and felt bile in the pit of his stomach. “You’re right.”


	21. Chapter 21

Sirius had heard of a brook on the outskirts of Edinburgh. He wanted to go with Remus and invited James along. Remus had never seen anything like it. It was quiet and the water ran peacefully along the rocks.  
“Trust Sirius to come and tarnish a beautiful place.” Remus teased and Sirius began to undo his waistcoat and clothes until he was down to his undershorts. James had beat him to it and launched himself into the lake with a splash. It dawned on Remus that he didn’t know how to swim and he didn’t want to be drowning and found half naked if it happened. He sat on the side and he noticed people on blankets in the distance with food. He couldn’t stop thinking about who he was lately and how other people would react if he were to tell them. Some people wouldn’t even understand the concept, so why did he? Why did Sirius? Maybe his mind was messed up from the way he was brought up. He felt angry at that. It couldn’t be that. 

Sirius swam and Remus felt like he could see every muscle working in Sirius’s body and he was so glad that they were working together to keep him alive in the water. James sent a wave with his arms to crash over Remus and he looked down at James and his hair was drenched and his clothes sopping wet.  
"You're not a good friend, James Potter."  
"I'm a swimming coach. That's how we initiate our members!"  
"Uhm-hm. Well I want to to leave the initiation, thank you kindly."  
"It's not an option!" Sirius proclaimed, swimming on his back over to them. "I'm a coach too and I've travelled far so you can't cancel."  
"I didn't know I had a lesson."  
"Some people don't know what they need so classes are arranged for them!"  
"Right." Sirius nodded and looked at his feet hovering over the water. "What's the next step?"

Sirius took Remus's left leg and James took the right and they pulled Remus's body into the water. Remus briefly felt like he was dying. Water went up his nose and stang. The only time he felt that sensation was napping by a meat stall years ago or after crying but much worse. Sirius hadn't expected Remus to go completely underwater and he lifted his head out and patted his back.   
"I don't like step two."  
Sirius laughed like a goat and started to teach Remus how to float. Remus felt like he could use these tips for his mind. Once he knew how to float it's all he wanted to do. He didn't want to get anywhere by water so what was the point of swimming? He floated by James to annoy and get him back for splashing him.

Sirius watched Remus get the hang of it. Remus was floating by James and if Sirius was a jealous man he would have felt but he didn't. All relationships he had witnessed had jealousy but Sirius was comfortable with James because James was so head over heels for Lily. And not many men felt the way about each other the way Sirius and Remus did.

Sirius felt a fish wriggle the water underneath him and he saw the water ripple towards Remus who stopped floating in panic. Sirius swam over and held Remus and Remus could get a good look at the fish.  
"I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't know what it was."  
Remus held onto Sirius back and they floated together in a form of embrace. "Funny. I don't think I'd ever seen a living fish before. I think I almost believed it never was."  
James intervened. "But it has an eye."  
"I didn't say I was being logical."  
Sirius listened. The fish being alive felt like it meant something. Sirius had felt dead for so long and now he was here. He wanted to shout and woop for the world to hear. Remus looked and regarded the expression on Sirius's face. He wanted to remember and create that face on Sirius forever. The men had got dressed when picnics started to move closer and they headed back towards the city.

Remus was at his writing desk with his head resting on his hand when Sirius burst into the room. Sirius walked past him and Remus heard Sirius's body hit the bed.  
"Sweet sheets! How I've missed your soft touch..."  
Remus put his pen down and walked into the bedroom resting his hand on his hip. "Hello to you too!"  
"Oh yes! My Moony! Oh, my sweet Moony!" Sirius grabbed Remus by the shirt.  
"I have work to do..."  
"I'm the work now."  
"You are certainly that..."  
Sirius caressed Remus's arse and used it to inch Remus closer.

Remus could now tell that Sirius was wearing something peculiar. He tried to look properly but Sirius's fingers had already made it inside of him and he closed his eyes. "We're talking about what you're wearing when we're finished."   
“What If we never finish?”  
“Then I suppose I wouldn’t mind as-“Remus gasped and so they continued for the next hour.

Remus had gotten Sirius back and performed the same actions on Sirius and Remus was willing to admit that Sirius’s secret was making the situation even more provocative for him. Remus knew Sirius enjoyed when Remus tried to get to the bottom of things and showed any sign of being tested. The jacket was now on the floor and Remus picked it up. It was unlike anything he had seen. “What is it?”  
“I made it up” Had it tailored! It’s what the music hall wanted. They want something that draws people in.”  
Remus agreed that it would do that but for what reasons? “Is it made of…leather?” It must be heavy. “Sirius. Leather is for shoes.”  
“Says who?”  
“Says the laws of nature. Says…everybody. I like it. I mean I think I do. But has the musical hall seen it yet?”  
“Not yet! Now stop Remus. I like it and that’s all that matters. It’s the way I’ll wear it that will make the difference.”  
Remus sighed. “Wear it.”  
Sirius slipped it on. It was a tailcoat cut and it did seem like it was made by magic for Sirius.  
“It’s good. You’re definitely going to make an impression.”  
“You mean it?”  
“I do. I’m just trying to look out for you is all.”  
Sirius could appreciate where Sirius was coming from and he didn’t want to start an argument. “I love you.”  
“I love you too, you cow.” Remus was making a reference to the leather and he felt really pleased with himself.  
“If I’m a cow, you’re the grass.”  
Remus let out a sigh of exasperation and he folded the clothes that he had washed downstairs. Sirius sat behind him. “Are you still coming tonight?”  
“Yes. I wouldn’t miss it. I’ve wanted to see where you work in person for weeks now and I want the first look of the reaction to your new coat. You’ll be the belle of the ball.”  
Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and he began to fold the clothes with Remus. At first he copied Remus’s actions but then went against him and did it more lazily. A lock of Remus’s hair was slightly curled from where he had recently washed it and Sirius twiddled it around his finger. “I’ll see you there.”  
Remus moved forward and accidently brushed noses with Sirius. He hadn’t meant to do it but it felt good. It made Sirius loiter for longer. It was surprising how the cold feeling of Remus’s nose made everything within Sirius squeeze and made his heart tighten. Sirius headed outside at the last minute and undoubtedly arrived at the music hall within hairs of being fired.

Remus spent the next hours looking at Sirius’s belongings. He liked to do it once in a while just to see what updates Sirius made to things. He was an innovator in ways that Remus could never predict. Remus walked back to Sirius’s side table and opened the drawer slowly. It was so full that it took some time for Remus to pry it open but when he did he found a small book. Inside was dried seaweed and pressed flowers that Sirius had recently become obsessed with. Lily had shown him her own collection and Sirius had discovered that lots of flowers meant different things and he now liked to communicate to Remus with them. Especially the green carination. Apparently it was a symbol of people like he and Sirius. They hadn’t met any but it was nice to know the symbolism.   
Remus dug deeper into the items. Remus found a bottle of laudanum. He hated it but Sirius had been having nightmares about his childhood and the last days of being at the family home. Added onto the high pressure job of being upbeat at the music hall meant that it was necessary, or at least Sirius thought it was. Remus decided that he was going to ween Sirius off of the drug even more and hopefully altogether. There wasn’t anything that drugs could do that human perseverance couldn’t. And in his opinion, opium was too readily prescribed and children who they had found for the orphanage were already addicted to it from very young ages. Remus had half the mind to throw it away now but he didn’t want to betray Sirius’s trust like that. The symptoms weren’t strong apart from restlessness but it was hard to tell because Sirius was already a restless person.   
Sirius was excited for Remus to arrive. The music hall gleamed in preparation for the night ahead and the spectacles designed to take place. There was meant to be some kind of member from the royal family from Germany or somewhere completely unknown to Sirius but it was his role to show them around even if he would rather stick by Remus and do the same for him. Sirius helped workers set up and he waited in the lobby for guests to begin to filter in as the band started playing.

Remus was running late but he managed to wear some white trousers that he wasn’t used to and a suit jacket worthy enough to blend it. It looked much better than Remus knew. He knew he was late because songs of patriotic nature were beginning to sound through the halls. He was told it would happen in between acts. The music hall really was massive. And so shiny. Remus hadn’t expected it to be so shiny. He could see himself in everything so he avoided walls and pillars and walked into a few women in bonnets who he apologised to as he found himself in the main hall. He looked around for Sirius and he saw him leading half of the hall when to sing at which part. Remus sat where Sirius couldn’t see him because he wanted to see Sirius in an unaltered state. Sirius was red in the cheeks and theatrical as he clapped loudly with the audience and thanked the band before introducing the next act. It was an illusionist, then a dancer and then a contortionist. Remus couldn’t look away.  
Remus smiled listening to the delight and also the disgust of the audience members around them. There always something someone didn’t like but most of them were too sozzled to care and loved everything. A solo singer entered the stage and Remus took the time to get a drink. The barman didn’t ask Remus what he wanted and he found himself leaving the bar with some kind of clear wine in a glass that looked more like a flute.  
“Lupin!” Frank greeted him with his wife Alice on his arm. “I never thought I would see you here! Are you enjoying it all? It’s our second week coming here, isn’t it Alice?”  
“I love white on you, Remus!”  
“Thank you. Yes, it’s my first time too, actually. I have a friend who works here so I thought I would see what it’s like.”  
Alice took Remus’s glass and looked at it closely, sniffing it like she could tell exactly what it was made of. “Is that a…cocktail? Ahhhh! I’ve always wanted to try one! They’re really, really popular in America!” She whispered to Remus and Frank gave her a nod to confirm that of course she should get one.   
Frank smiled, tapping his foot to the music. “I don’t drink but she loves to.”  
Alice returned. “It’s divine! And you were keeping so silent about it, Remus! Secrets like this are made to be told! It’s like the punch we made once, Frank, but there’s something else in it that’s so delicious!”  
Remus spotted Sirius start to approach them with a grin that seemed to have stuck that way the whole night so far. Remus introduced him as he approached. “Frank. Alice. This is Sirius Black.” Sirius bowed and shook both of their hands at once before becoming glued to Remus’s side.   
“You’re trying that? You’re brave man, Moony! Gladys always has one of those and that’s what happens every time!” Sirius motioned to Gladys trying to join the band on stage. Remus watched Gladys only get so far and then a dozen or so other men assisted her up again in a strange show of parody that wasn’t even a paid act.   
“It has been nice to meet you both and we will meet again, and again I’m sure.” He whispered to Frank. “Because I’ll make sure of it. But I have a few things that I must show my friend Remus before I’m needed again. I love the work with the orphanage, by the way.”  
Sirius broke him and Remus apart from Frank and Alice and the couple admired the combination of personalities that blended together between Sirius and Remus.  
“Do you think?” Alice whispered.  
“I don’t know.” Frank replied. “But it would be nice if they were.”

Sirius led Remus backstage where props and all kinds of items were kept for performances alongside extra chairs and other furniture. Remus coughed from a strand of dust that entered his airways as he caught up with Sirius who brought him to an area where they could hear the music but not be seen.  
Remus felt slightly drunk and he found himself swaying to the music as Sirius opened a box and brought up one of the most terrifying things Remus had ever seen. “Don’t come near me with that, Sirius. I do confess that I will stick a boot up your backside if you do.”  
Sirius was holding a lifelike ventriloquist dummy and he put it on his arm. “Sometimes I look like this dummy and you don’t turn me away, Lupin.”  
“That’s different. So….very…different.” Remus took a few steps back.  
Sirius discovered how to make the mouth of the doll move and Sirius made it look at Remus. Sirius made his voice squeakier. “I’m Remus Lupin and I love Sirius Black’s big p-“  
Remus put on his best ‘listen to me’ voice. “No. I want a new character.”  
Sirius straightened his back and warmed his vocal chords. “I’m Colin Cuthbert and I like to eat people.”  
“I’m not liking this one either-“  
Sirius broke character. “I haven’t got to the best bit.” He entered back into character and made the dummy’s eyes move as he spoke. “And I want to eat you.” Sirius broke character again and pretended to kick the dummy away. “Never! You can’t have Remus!”  
“I’m not sure that’s how the dummy is meant to be used…” Remus gave Sirius one quick kiss and nothing more and even though his body wanted nothing to do with the dummy he picked it up. Remus couldn’t create a very good voice that didn’t sound like his own. “I’m a spokesmen for Remus Lupin and I would like to pass on the message that he loves you deeply.” Remus used the puppet’s hands to try and be expressive but failed. “And that he wants you to consider not taking anything with any opium anymore so you can always be healthy enough to dance with him like he wants you to do now even though he doesn’t know how to dance.”

Remus dropped the dummy with care as soon as he had finished and blew on his hands like it could remove a curse from any spirit in the dummy. He looked at Sirius whose eyes had darkened with emotion. “I wouldn’t have taken it in the first place if I knew you felt that way, Moon. It tastes bloody horrible.”  
Remus rested his chin on Sirius’s shoulder. “We’ll deal with the nightmares if and when ourselves and not with foreign objects that aren’t doing good things to your body.”  
Sirius could think of one thing that did good things to his body and it was Remus who was still swaying and who he started to sway in time with. Sirius had been taught to professionally dance as a child but this was more natural. Each man held each other’s neck with their foreheads pressed together with their crotches just as close. The piece was called Humoresque and both men pulled at each closer as the song taught them how to move as if it was playing out their story for them. It reminded Remus of many things they had been through and what they ultimately would go through. They were at the centre of everything that it meant to be with one another.


End file.
